Deep Inside In Heart

This is going to sound completely crass and I'm sure somewhere someone is going to judge me or think I'm a horrible mother.  But sometimes, in the deep depth of my heart...it really fucking sucks to have a child who has anxiety.  The summer was pretty smooth sailing.  Now that school has started, things have heated up for her.  And some days it's just almost too much.  It can start in the morning with what to wear, what to eat and it starts on the way home from school.  Too many choices overwhelm her.  Not enough and she gets pissed.  Some days it feels like we can never do right by or for her.  And some days I feel like a huge fucking failure at being her mom.  Did I make her like this?  Am I encouraging it in some way?  Will life ever be easier for her?  To so many they cannot see the inner working of our eldest.  They are not witness to the small life struggles she faces.  They look at me like I have two heads when I explain she has issues with anxiety at times.  They see a funny, creative, and sometimes whiney little girl.  We see that too, of course.  But because we are her "safe" place, we get to see the fears she carries deep inside her heart.  And that is sometimes just too much for my heart.

Blah Blah Blah

You know it, sing it.  Yes, that song by one of the tarts out there right now.  (And yes, I will admit to owning that album-it's quite catchy to be honest).


I really try to be a positive, glass half full kind of person.  But lately, it's been so difficult to do.  And I can't pin it on any one thing.  I know work has a huge deal in it as things are quite frankly, very sucky at work.  Yes, sucky is the perfect word for it.  I have been trying to remain optimistic with the changes that have been forced, um I mean made, on myself and my lucky coworkers.  However, each day I feel more and more squashed like the disgusting bug that we are viewed the be.  I know all the horseshit of "no one can make you feel anyway you don't want to," and I try so hard to remain upbeat.  But it's such a challenge some days.  Most days right now.  And then throw in a job where you have to deal with yucky topics as if that isn't enough to sometimes make my job suck.

Halfing 1 has been off and on with her moods.  I hate having to watch what we say for fear that we set her off on some goddamn freakout.  It completely sucks.  But it's our life.  She's had some awesome moments this week, so that helps us get through the less-than-stellar ones.  Halfling 2 has been the spawn of satan lately.  (And I think I know a couple of people who would probably peg me as satan, so that statement for him qualifies)  The kid is four.  And he's pooped in his fricking pants 4 times this month.  Um, hello?  Use the toilet.  You know, the thing you've been using for almost two years?  And talk about attitude.  And stubborn.  But it all melts away when he flashes his "special" smile.  Thank the stars he's cute, or he'd probably be in more trouble.

There is the always present family drama.   Not my immediate family, but the next layer.  So and so did this, so and so didn't do that.  And several posting it on facebook, hanging it out there for the entire world to see.  Really?  I am doing my best to avoid becoming involved, but sometimes one gets drawn in or has to stand up for something that truly isn't right. 

There are a few other major disappointments that I've had over the last month and they have been difficult for me to swallow.  Let's just say fall has not been the best part of the year for me.  And because of that, this may be the only time you'll ever hear me say this......Bring on Old Man Winter!

Totally and completely sucking

at so many things.  Life, blogging, work...I could go on and on. 

I read something a while back and it struck a chord.

Remember who you wanted to be.

I remember what I had planned.  Life is not exactly as I had planned, but it never is.  One's struggles make them stronger so many people say.  I tell the people that I work with that it's how they deal with their struggles or obstacles that truly defines them as a person.

And yet, there are days when I don't know how to describe myself.  

I want(ed) to be a great mom.  And I have my moments, however many times I feel like I'm runner-up in the "Worst Mother of the Year" award.  I feel like I need to spend more time with my kids, do more things with them, be more patient, etc.  But I know I cannot possibly love them anymore than I already do.  They are my world.  Even if they sometimes allow me to understand why some animals eat their young.

I want(ed) to be an awesome partner for my husband.  And yet I feel like I don't give enough time, enough appreciation and of course, enough sex.  He is always there for me.  Even if I don't want or need him to be.  Sometimes he does things that he thinks are a great idea without checking with me and it's off my "plan" and I get frustrated.  I speak to him in that frustrated and annoyed tone too often.  But at the end of the day, I couldn't imagine going to sleep next to anyone else.  He has my heart.

I want to be a better friend.  I have been failing miserably at this for a while.  Birthday cards are late, IF they even get out.  I am horrible at returning emails/phone calls.  I went back to work and lost time to focus on those things, even though they matter to me.  I need to focus more and improve on the communication.

I want to be an advocate for change.  Whether it's my day job or my volunteer work.  I feel good knowing I made a difference.  And while it's great to have the pat on the back for the job well done, at the end of the day I want to feel good about how I spent my time with that client or project.  I think about giving up my volunteer work at times and while I ponder at the free time and freedom of responsibility it would bring, it also causes heartache to not be doing something I love and that matters so much to me.

I want to do a better job at work.  I want to respond better to situations.  I want to be able to do all 100 things on my To Do list and feel like I got somewhere, even though I know that will never occur.  I want to care less about certain clients as I appear to care more about their lives than they do.  I want to know I am making a difference in the lives of affected by my clients.  I want to talk less at work.  To be more focused on accomplishing what I can each day and leaving it for the next, and being okay with that.  

I want to be a better person.  And by remembering who I wanted to be and combining it with who I want to be tomorrow, I can be.  I know it.