Sunday, April 19, 2009

Bitterness

Yes, I am bitter. That ugly taste is in my mouth and has been brewing for a while. But an unexpected shot came up this last week and it really made me realize that I do have a bitter edge when it comes to the topic of preeclampsia.

Ya'll know that preeclampsia awareness is my thing. It's my cause. But there is a small piece of me that wishes with everything it's got, that I could be one of those women who got "mild" preeclampsia and went on with normal life never thinking about it again. Especially with another pregnancy. I wish it hadn't affected me the way it did. Hell, I'll even wish it never happened to me. I think I have that right, at the least. But that small part still wants to be that perfect pregnant woman, with the damn perfect pregnancy and delivery. And I get angry. Yes, I still get angry over developing preeclampsia. I'm angry that our experiences were tainted by it. And that I could never have another pregnancy without preeclampsia overshadowing it. Usually this happens when I'm coming up on the kids birthdays (which I am) and when I know of or see a woman who has had PE, but thinks it's nothing (which also happened).

Then I think about all the women I've met. Sharing experiences, knowing that our lives were changed forever when that wretched "P" word was shared with us by our physicians. To have a greater appreciation for my children. And to what we went through, what my body went through. I've tried to use my experience in a positive manner, and I think I've been fairly successful at it. But that doesn't mean that I don't get occasionally bitter, angry, and reflective about it.

7 comments:

Robyn said...

It's weird, but when I see women with huge bellies who are almost done with their pregnancies, or women with newborn babies in car seats, I feel a little bitter too. After 4 years and knowing I'm not having another baby, I still get bitter/jealous. Having a micro-preemie has done that to me, no matter I had another pregnancy that went to 36weeks (with toxemia though).

In all honesty, I try not to even think about S's prematurity or A's early entrance due to toxemia, because I feel like I'm protecting myself when I do. It's not healthy to ignore, it's just self preservation for me. I'm more of the "don't talk about it" kind of person. Either way tho, this "club" sucks.

Heather said...

I hate that PE is like a nasty ominous shadow that's *always* there. That even if I'm not pregnant, I'm still not like everyone else. My experiences aren't like other folks' pregnancy experiences, I can't relate, I'm out of the loop -- and NO one gets it. No one understands why a little high blood pressure should affect me so deeply. I'm sick and tired, almost five years out, of trying to explain to mother-in-law why this doesn't make me less of a woman, why it's not about not being "strong" enough, why it's 180 degrees from any childbirth experience she could even imagine.

Sucks. Suck it, PE. (((Denise)))

Niki said...

I hear ya girl. I don't think of PE without feeling bitter and angry and well hatred, which I rarely feel towards anything. It was PE that robbed me of my son and so much more. I don't think I will ever feel anything but bitterness and hatred towards when I think of preeclampsia. (Oh and the women who get very mild PE and act like it was nothing drive me up a wall.)

Thank you for having the strength to use your bitterness in a positive manner. You are helping other women and doing a fantastic job! Kudos to you!

Dawn said...

Oh sweetie! I want you to know that your awareness (and subsequent bitterness) has touched SO many lives and raised SO much awareness about PE. You are strong, and have been a good advocate. I am so appreciative that I didn't lose my dear friend to this, and the thought of it being that close to home is horrifying!
Take care, you are loved!

niobe said...

I feel that bitterness sometimes too. And waves of sadness for my poor babies.

Aunt Becky said...

I feel bitter too. Different things, same feelings. And I think they're normal. If they're not, we're in the crazy boat together.

Christie O. said...

i know what you mean about the bitter and the anger. the preeclampsia, the prematurity that went along with it, the whole package. it's just something that stays with you forever. just know that whatever you feel, you're allowed to feel. hugs to you, sister. xo