This seemed like a good idea....

10 weeks ago. See that lovely little running ticker on the right hand side? Yep, I'm participating in my first 5K this Saturday. I don't have a prayer of running/jogging the entire thing. At least not if I'd like to not keel over. I have this small confession to make. Pssst, come closer. *whispers* Um, gulp, I haven't trained for this. At all.

I'm going to get my ass kicked if I run. The plan is to jog at least (or that what's I'm hoping for) half and walk the rest. I think I can do that. As I told a client today, no trying. Doing. And so I shall.

Of course, my ass was kicked in bellydance tonight and I'm sore hours afterwards...so tomorrow should be real fun. I'm going to hurt for the next 4 days.

Positive Thoughts Needed

My BIL Lee and his wife Terri are having their baby today. She's 28 weeks and 2 days. She's got a placental abruption (apparently small enough to monitor with hospital bed rest) and PTL. They stopped the mag yesterday morning and if she started contracting they were going to rock & roll with the section. Apparently, things became necessary this morning. She was nervous the other night when I spoke with her. They did get steroids in on Wed.

Any positive thoughts you can send their way would be appreciated. The newest baby boy of our family is on his way.

ETA: Baby Ryker is here! 2lbs 10oz. Sounds like he was doing well after birth.

ETA 05/03/09: Ryker is continuing to do okay. He's dropped some weight down to 2lbs 4oz, but is eating 10cc's of breastmilk every 3 hours. He's on cpap, and they are looking at trying things without that in a few days.

My Children

New Ink

I've been thinking about getting a new tattoo. Something on the smaller side as it cannot be very costly. I'm at a loss as what to choose however. I'm thinking of...

*Adding a name to my butterfly
*getting the Kanji for "family" or "imagine" on the inside of my wrist
*I'd love Yoda, but that's probably too large and pricey for what I want at the moment
*A smaller Mickey head made out of three swirls
*some kind of exotic flower

However, nothing is jumping out as a must-have at the moment. I think I've got to keep scouring for ideas.

Bitterness

Yes, I am bitter. That ugly taste is in my mouth and has been brewing for a while. But an unexpected shot came up this last week and it really made me realize that I do have a bitter edge when it comes to the topic of preeclampsia.

Ya'll know that preeclampsia awareness is my thing. It's my cause. But there is a small piece of me that wishes with everything it's got, that I could be one of those women who got "mild" preeclampsia and went on with normal life never thinking about it again. Especially with another pregnancy. I wish it hadn't affected me the way it did. Hell, I'll even wish it never happened to me. I think I have that right, at the least. But that small part still wants to be that perfect pregnant woman, with the damn perfect pregnancy and delivery. And I get angry. Yes, I still get angry over developing preeclampsia. I'm angry that our experiences were tainted by it. And that I could never have another pregnancy without preeclampsia overshadowing it. Usually this happens when I'm coming up on the kids birthdays (which I am) and when I know of or see a woman who has had PE, but thinks it's nothing (which also happened).

Then I think about all the women I've met. Sharing experiences, knowing that our lives were changed forever when that wretched "P" word was shared with us by our physicians. To have a greater appreciation for my children. And to what we went through, what my body went through. I've tried to use my experience in a positive manner, and I think I've been fairly successful at it. But that doesn't mean that I don't get occasionally bitter, angry, and reflective about it.

Could Have Been...

Occasionally when I'm pulling up Phoenix's underpants or pull up, I'll snap the band against his...well, you know. Penis. Not on purpose, it's a complete accident and I've learned that I have to bring the front out and up rather than just up like with a girl. When the unfortunate "mom wants to geld you" situation happens, Phoenix usually scolds, "Don't hurt my penis mommy." Lovely.

This hasn't occurred for a while now, but today in the local bookstore, my son decides to hop off the toilet and yell "Don't hurt my penis, mommy!" Oye. Thankfully no one was in there. That could have been an odd moment.

Juggling

Confession time. I am a juggler. I enjoy juggling too many balls in my life. Up to a point. And I think I've reached it.

Jason has always told me that I must have ten million things going on or I'm not happy. I'm a sucker for helping out and have a difficult time saying no for most things when it comes to volunteering or stepping up to the plate if no one else does. And I usually laugh it off. But I'm starting to feel the drain. And I'm not sure which ball to drop off the rotation. I've already backed way off posting on the forums I visit, I've stepped back from so much time on facebook.

What bothers me about my "need" to always be so god damned busy is that my family time and just general home care stuff starts to suffer. I've lost my balance and feel like I'm always one step behind, constantly playing catch up. I don't like it, but not sure if I don't like it enough to let go of my business.

I think I need to take a look at what are priorities for me and those things that are highest on the list must take precedence. And to let go of the things lowest on that list. Going back to work has been fantastic, but my work vs life balance is not working out so well.

Okay, enough of my whining. I need to get my shit together and just do it. No excuses.

Long Week

Do you ever have one of those weeks where it seems to stretch and things seem to blow up? It's only Tues and I'm ready for the weekend.

Dad Update

The cancer is NOT in the muscle wall!! Can I get a "Woohoo"?!!!!! He'll have to finish healing from this last surgery and at the end of the month, he'll start the 6 week BCG treatments. The cancer is apparently a more aggressive form, but for now things look okay. It was only in the bladder, it didn't spread to anything else. And the BCG treatments are supposed to be very helpful in making sure everything is gone. He'll have to be checked every 3 months afterwards for recurrence and if the cancer stays away, then he can drop down to 6 months and eventually down to only once a year if things stay good. If the cancer comes back, they are looking at bladder removal. But we'll cross that bridge if we get to it.

Thanks for all the good thoughts! Much appreciated.