feelings

tonight i am feeling so damn alone.  and my heart is hurting so damn bad.  we experienced a major bump in the road of life this afternoon and it's bringing stuff up to the surface and making me face some of my demons.  as much work as i have done working through issues, the major fear of being left or rejected still remains.  how to articulate the feeling is difficult.

so in my usual way of attempting to manage my feelings, i have been working on tasks so i can feel accomplished about something.  scrubbed the toilet - check.  got the kids fundraising stuff completed - check.  and now i sit to work on the teacher letter i need to write (and have been meaning to do) for the youngest child.  this is probably not the optimal time to be doing so.  he had a blow up earlier and the aftermath rocked us all.  of course, i am the one who will hang onto the aftermath & all it's shit. and the letter in which i share my son's strengths and weaknesses is just too much for tonight.

i feel tender, scared, apprehensive, guilty, and alone.  and i knew i needed to process feelings rather than stuff them, so i sat down to write.  this is so short and doesn't share a great deal, but this post is my life preserver this evening. 

First Days

A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for.

It's the first day of school in this neck of the woods and my eldest joined the middle school ranks.  I have never cried at the first day of school.  Daycare, yes, school, no.  This morning, after she boarded the bus and was on her way, I turned toward the house and was overcome with emotion.  My baby girl is growing up.  

We haven't always done right by her and have been working to change that.  We've protected her a bit too much and sometimes that means she doesn't want to do something or believe that she can do something.  We've tried to fix life for her rather than have her figure it out at times.  And to know where she's come from with her anxiety to seeing how bravely she faced her fears today, it simply make me verklempt.  She shared that she was scared for today last evening, but handled herself with grace and courage.  I am so proud of her.  She is so damn amazing.  The line at the top of the post is one I came across today as someone else shared their emotions of of the first day of school.  I read it and was teary-eyed in seconds.  These kids are our ships and yes, sometimes they need the safety of the harbor.  What they need is the freedom to sail while knowing they have a solid foundation (boat) and that safe harbor to come home to.  

This parenting stuff is hard some days.  Some days are fantastic.  Today was a bit of both.