Monday, June 22, 2009

Which end is up

I'm struggling right now. Struggling with everything it seems. I feel like I never have enough time in the day to finish what I want or need to get down, and if I have a free 30 minutes I'm so frickin' tired all I want to do is sit on my ass.

Going back to work has been a huge change for me and for our family. Things started out okay, then hit a major bump, got better and now I feel like it's off track again. Things are not working like they should and I just don't know what to do. I knew it was time for me to head back to work, and to be honest, we can't afford for me not to work anymore especially if we want to hit the big goals of a house, etc. I am having tremendous difficulty finding a balance and time management. I'm sucking majorly on all accounts. And if there is one thing to throw me into a tailspin it's repeated or lengthy failure. And that's where I've been lately.

I feel as if I'm failing with everything. Work, parenting, being a spouse, being a friend, etc. I am so overwhelmed at times, I have a minor meltdown and cry it out for a few minutes. I don't know how some people do it, they make life seem so effortless. And here I am struggling to clean my fucking toilet. Maybe people just pretend they are superhuman. I'm exhausted and angry with myself for not having willpower to stop eating chips & dip and actually get off my ass to exercise. I saw a billboard yesterday. One of those "Pass it on" posters, it had a guy who climbed Mt Everest. Blind. And I thought to myself, christ Denise. If this guy can climb a goddamn mountain blind, what the hell is wrong with you that you can't even walk a block for exercise. Just another twisted thought in my warped senses right now.

I had an ah-ha moment the other day when I figured out what's been eating at me for a few days now. Can't, or won't, talk about it here. But it makes sense and ultimately helps me work through it. I know this is something that is affecting me in a strong manner right now and I really need to just fucking deal with it. I thought I had, but apparently I haven't as well as I thought I did.

I've lost my mojo. I don't know what I have to do to get it back. I feel selfish taking time to do shit for myself, but I know that's how I recharge. The lack of communication at home right now is atrocious. We talk at each other, snipping and snapping, not talking with each other. I'm sure he doesn't feel supported and neither do I. I'm tired of being pissy. My positivity has flown the coop. And that has always been something that has stuck with me.

I will probably be taking a hiatus here for a bit while things work through. I'd love to vent and completely share, but there are eyes that read this that will judge and are too close family-wise. I've actually thought about stopping this blog or making it private as sometimes I feel like I can't be completely honest anymore without hurting someones feelings or pissing someone off. But I love my blog name too much to give it up. Maybe someday I can stop caring so much about what other people think and just don't give a damn. But until then....

Thank you guys for sticking with me while I've been MIA over the last how many months. I know I haven't been the best of bloggy buds with visiting everyone and commenting. But I love y'all.


Donna said...

Sorry it's been so rough for you lately.

IMO - anyone who looks like they are sailing through life with everything under control is just better at hiding the debris in the closet or under the bed.

We all try to do it all - be a great mother, great employee, great spouse etc... but the truth is - there is only so much one human being can handle.

You do need to take time out for you. It's as important to take care of yourself as it is for you to take care of your family.

I hope you can continue to share and let it all out on your blog - but I know how hard it is to be completely open when you're worried about who is going to read what you say.


mumma boo said...

Take care of yourself, Denise. I'm sorry things have been so overwhelming lately. It can feel like you're stuck in a whirlwind and can't find a way out. You're right to take time for yourself to recharge. Only then can you take care of others. We're here if you need us. (((HUGS)))

Oh, and Donna is right. Those that look like they have it all together are those that are heavily medicated in one way or another.

Jamie said...

I am sorry you are having such a rough time. I agree 100% with those above- you have go to take time for yourself. I feel selfish when I do it too but I know that it makes me a better wife, mother, nurse,etc. When I get burned out I really suck at all of those things but if I can just take a breather *alone* then my performance in all of the other areas improves. It is so hard to find a balance in life and it seems like when we do then suddenly something else goes to the shitter. Although it sounds cliche, things will get better. But until then have a few more margaritas or something equally as alcoholic in content.

Anonymous said...

oh, how I know how you feel. It does suck!

Gimme a call if you want to talk, I'm here for you.

One thing that gets me through, the tuff stuff is thinking "If I were to die tomorrow, would this matter?" My house is never as clean as I'd like. I always have stuff to do, and if I get caught up, something else then needs to be done! At the end of the day, most things are really small stuff. Try not to sweat it, try to enjoy the little moments and the rest will work out.

That's my 2 cents. It's morbid to relate things to if you die, but it helps me put things into perspective.

Love ya sweetie! I hope you feel better soon.

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Christie O. said...

i'm so sorry you're having a rough go of it. just try to think of it as part of the cycle. things suck, for a while, and then all of a sudden they don't. that probably doesn't help, but that's how my life usually goes and i just look forward to the day when things don't suck. until then i get starbucks.

love you! xoxo keep us posted. i hope you don't stop blogging!