What's Wrong With Me

This has to be more than just PMS. I'm so moody, pissy, so close to tears at times. God, I feel exhausted with just the emotions coursing through my body. I have suffered from depression before and while I don't believe or feel that I'm in that despair again, I am starting to wonder if a little St. John's Wart would help a girl out. Or some lovely white pills.

I switched up my general practitioner care, for the much better. My old family physician, well, he just sucked. I only saw him for my yearly cholesterol check. Any other time I tried to get in for a problem, he was on vacation or had no openings, so I would end up at the walk-in. I switched to an internal medicine doc and jeez, we are on the move immediately. Got some lab work next week and had some tests last week, which are resulting in my going in for a CT scan tomorrow. I'll update once I know something other than me having some "decreased lung capacity."

One of the main things we are looking into is the possibility of me having PCOS. I actually questioned this back in 2005 when I saw asshole OB. He told me I didn't look like a PCOS gal and that was about it. I remember being pissed at the time, but we were also TTC for almost a year at that point, so my focus was more on that. Happily we got pregnant not long after that, so I just put it out of my head. I never mentioned it to my current OB and frankly haven't thought about it until the new doc said something. I have many of the classic symptoms and when I take the little quiz on the support site, it says most women with my score turn out to have PCOS. Not sure how this affects me in the long run as I know more about the infertility piece of it.

I've been struggling lately. The lovely memories of HELLP are back with Ariana's birthday, and the fears of Phoenix's pregnancy & birth. Each year I think it won't bother me as much, and then whammo I feel everything just as strong as the year before. I'm not sure if I hold shit in regarding this that I just can't seem to let the emotions go. I've felt like I've made peace with our experience. I know it's the same for some, well most, of my other preeclampsia sisters. Tomorrow it will be five years from the day where I learned I would be having my baby over 5 weeks early and I had this preeclampsia thing. It would be months later before I learned just how sick I really was. Denial is such a wonderful and awful thing. We also had a loss last year that was unexpected. I don't share this for sympathy, so please don't share you're sorry. I'm sharing to open up and let things go. Things weren't going well that's about all I can fully say. It's very private for me. We haven't shared here, or with pretty much all of our family & friends. We have/had several family members & friends who were experiencing infertility and it was just too private. It's been a rough year.

I am a person who may seem very outgoing to many people who know me in real life, but honestly it's so hard for me to open up. My patient husband can attest to that fact. I've always had to hold things together since I was little and it's carried on into adulthood. I grew up in a single parent home, my mom was 17 when she had me. I never really knew anything about my father until I was much older. All I knew was that I didn't have a dad. It didn't make sense when I was young, that feeling of rejection. And the reasons for him not being there were not known to me until much, much later. Even now, I don't believe I know the entire story. It's simply something we don't discuss. I was surrounded by love growing up and I'm incredibly thankful for that. But those early years of childhood into teenager, have left their mark. I withdraw when I'm feeling anxious, sad, worried, etc. It's what I do. I have a difficult time discussing real emotions or having a disagreement as I usually start to tear up immediately. It's one of those things that I hate about myself. I'm much more happier being able to hermit myself at home with a movie or a book than going out with the crowd or to a party. I don't really have social anxiety over being out, it's just that I'd rather stay home. I put on the show of "everything's fine" and that really gets tiring after a while.

Well, now. That's way more than what I intended this post to be. Wow. Talk about vomit-speak. Now the dilemma of leaving it or deleting it. The self-questioning begins, was I too open, do you think I'm nuts now....all those lovely things. The one bad thing about sharing your blog with family & friends is that they can read it. So to post something so private is taking some balls. Please be gentle and don't beat the shit out of me with your comments.