Close of 2016

The end of 2016 is almost here and I have made little time for writing.  I'm working up some personal goals and changes for the next year, not resolutions as I don't care for those, but honest-to-goodness change.  I've always sort of chuckled when I heard that when you hit age forty that you stop caring about what others think.  There is a ring of truth in it for me, but I still care way too much of what others think.  It's part of my fear schema and it is something I want to change.

There has been loss, joy, loads of laughter, healing, and so much more this year. It's been a tough year, but yet a good one.  And I'm ready to give 2017 hell.

Relief

I ended up with both the diagnostic mammogram and a 25 minute ultrasound, but the radiologist believes the issue is a benign spot of fibrous tissue.  As the ultasound went on and on, I began to sweat it.  I started processing how we'd tell the kids, how I would need to make some changes with the business, etc.  And after an hour of nervousness, the doctor said it was all okay.

Now it's onto my upcoming hysterectomy, scheduled for mid-November.

Echoes

I put off scheduling my mammogram for about five months and finally got in last week.  I received a call the next morning that they'd like me to come back for a diagnostic mammogram and possible ultrasound.  In just over an hour, I'll be having a second boob-squish and finding out if there is something to worry about.

I've worked to not be freaked out and worried, but the echoes are there.  The faces of the ladies I know who are no longer with us after cancer stole their lives.  The faces of the ladies who have undergone surgery and other treatment and came out on the other side.  The faces of my fellow women who have shared that they haven't gone in to have a mammogram yet.  They are there, present in my mind, being remembered and providing a reminder that things can go from zero to shitstorm quickly.  The faces that push me over the edge when I delve into the echoes is my children.  When I think of how our lives, their lives, could change this week, it strikes fear into my heart.

Logically, I know everything could be fine.  I know that as a reduction gal, mammos can be a challenge at times.  I know that it just might be breast tissue change and everything is fine.  But the echoes remain.

Wed morning gratitude

This morning I am thankful for....

• a four cheese souffle from Panera
• daisies in my garden
• baby Dory and the time to go see Finding Dory yesterday afternoon
• my hearing:  I can listen to music, hear the neighbor mowing, the truck that just rumbled by, and the breathing of my dog as he sleeps.

Gratitude Exercise

A grateful and open heart.  I've been closing myself off again lately and want to focus on gratitude to help me with having a grateful and open heart.

Today, I am thankful for....

• Courage - having the courage to step up and make tough choices, knowing that those choices are the right ones for me.
• Summer fruit
• The laughter of my daughter.

Hello, old friend

I've been thinking about coming back and writing for quite some time.  Today, I took the step of actually doing so.  I had been intended to utilize the blogger app on my phone to start blogging again, but alas it appears the app is no more?  I'm guessing I need to have some form of google app to access it that way.

Gosh, it's been almost a year since I've visited and posted.  I intend to post photos or brief thoughts to  breathe some life back into my blog.  We'll see how that goes. ;)