A Woman with Hobbit Feet

rough week

2012-01-09T16:33:00.002-06:00

The boy child had his tonsils & adenoid out last week. And it has been a rough go of it since. Ended up in the ER the same evening for a post-tonsil surgery bleed that cleared up by the time we made it to the ER (of course). Then over the weekend, he continued his protest against fluids and food so back to the ER it was yesterday. And he ended up being admitted until he could maintain his own hydration. Which took place this morning. Hooray!

I admit I am pretty cool when it comes to my kids have surgery. They have each been under before so I do not really get nervous. But the worry this child caused over the last week has rung me out. He is so damn stubborn. (Hmmm, where does he get that from, I wonder?) He looked so frail and scared yesterday, it took everything in me to not burst into worrisome tears.

But we survived, thankfully. The most awesome part of all this is that he is already sleeping better!

the new year

2012-01-01T08:30:00.000-06:00

i know most everyone makes some sort of promise to themselves for the new year and even though i find it slightly corny....i cannot help it. i must do it.

i hope 2012 brings:

peace to our household
sleep, as in uninterrupted sleep
shedding of my of my fat arse, my preggo belly and firming up the jiggly arms
less yelling and more loving for our family
continued and growing friendships
getting even closer to being debt-free (hell yeah!)
falling in love with my partner all over again
lots of funny jokes with gut busting laughter
lots of changes at work, although i'm not too hopeful for this one
a smashing birthday party for the hubs as he turns the big 4-0
witnessing a dear friend reach one of his goals
two fantastic vacations with family

i guess i should stop now, huh? don't want to be over the top, but i'm hoping more means at least a few occur in spectacular fashion. ;)

Kiss my a$$, 2011

2011-12-31T21:24:00.006-06:00

2011 was not my best year. Or our best year. Sure, there were some pretty awesome things. But there were also some shit things. I'm looking forward to a smashing 2012. Wishing you all a fantastic New Year! See you on the flip side.

lost

2011-11-20T22:46:00.001-06:00

i hate to be another downer post, but i need to get it out. i am lost. lost in how to help my children. i feel as if we are being pulled in a thousand different directions and still are no closer to answers. focusing on one more than the other over the last several months and wondering if that is kicking our asses now. i cannot even begin to describe the depth of emotion running through me this evening. just when i think we have crossed one hurdle another presents itself. and i do not know where to turn next. we literally have been missing at least 2-4 hours of work each week to take one child to therapy. and now we will have to get the other back into regular therapy, which adds more time. i 100% know it is necessary, but it does not make it any easier to swallow.

i am drowning. drowning in stress, drowning in being overwhelmed. and i am angry. so fucking angry. angry that i at times feel as if we just keep spinning our wheels. that we take a step forward and then two steps back. that i sometimes feel like i do not know how much more of myself i can give. that my partner has begun to fall back into old habits and i again feel alone.

work fucking sucks. i dread each morning i know i have to walk into that toxic environment. the job itself is not bad, but the management and decisions coming down from the higher ups stink, quite frankly. i had my ass smoozed, or at least attempted to be smoozed, at the end of the week and as i sat there addressing a few concerns i knew she was not truly hearing what i had to say. she responded with her pat answers that were meant to appease me and feel like she actually gives two shits about me as a person. and then i find out hours later that one of the issues i addressed she had info on and a decision has been made that fucks me at work, again. i am deciding how big of a war to wage and how far i can push things. i need a job to help provide financially for my family and to help my own sanity, but the stress of my current full-time employment is eating me alive and i am struggling with dealing with the stress of it.

the boy child has been going to therapy weekly and i can certainly appreciate the fact that he has made leaps & bounds improvement since summer, heck he is a different kid from the summer. but this week and last he is ramping back up and we have had struggles almost each day. he had a consult for a sleep study this past week and will have a sleep study done just before christmas. he also had a consult the other week with ent for tonsil & adenoid removal which was scheduled for the first week of dec. but the pedi neurologist would like the sleep study done prior to the t&a surgery, so that surgery has now been pushed off until early jan. we still have questions as to what is going on with him, why he does not sleep well, wondering if the night terrors will ever go away. on a brighter note, he has made tremendous progress with his behavior at school. i am crossing every body part i have in hopes that we have more answers come february. it has been his turn for the "one thing after another" ride and i am ready to get off the attraction anytime now.

the girl child has been doing well. at least up until a few weeks ago. she has started to have some sassiness and frustration edge back in. i thought perhaps it could be hormones starting to kick in, but we have seen an increase in the last week or so. she has been angry. she has been snotty. she has resorted to her animal noises so much lately. and if i ask her if anything is bothering her, she replies there is nothing. but in the last 24 hours, it has become very apparent that something is not right. she has a check in with the psychiatrist this week and we had planned to be discussing taking her off her meds come the new year, but at this point we intend to ask to keep her on and possibly raise her dose. which is not easy to think of doing, but if it needs to happen it will. she is lashing out at us and then retreats into her self blame. and it just fucking breaks my heart to witness.

j and i discussed how things are going tonight in regards to the kids. he stated he does not know what to do or how to handle things. i understand because i feel the same damn way every damn day. but i am also frustrated because i am the one still reading books and listening podcasts/audiobooks for tips on how to help our kids. he said he wonders at times if she has problems because of the way we raised her, if we did not provide good enough boundaries with her, etc. my gut reaction is to say "fuck that" but it is also in my mind. i constantly wonder if i passed along a genetic disposition to depression or if something got messed up due to my pregnancy. i feel like i did something to make this happen. i know logically that is untrue, but i still feel it.

i feel like a failure when i do not know how to help my kids. when they are struggling and in need and i have no answers. when i try and try and some days it seems to make no difference. and on those days when i am empty and can simply do nothing more than retreat myself. but i know that i am doing what i need to to help my kids. at times that is difficult to recall however.

i feel lost. that i do not know which end is up or what way to take next. decisions that are not difficult have become difficult. i am not sleeping well. definitely not eating well. managing stress is not my strong suit at this moment in my life. each day it becomes more and more laborious to put on the happy face and pretend like life is awesome or easy. i am losing my positivity which i hold so dear.

vacation happiness

2011-11-16T19:52:00.001-06:00

this weeks happiness is brought to you by the letter a and the number 199.

a is for airlines.....flights are booked for our june vacay!!!

199 is for the number of days left to go until we take to the skies.

it is one of those weeks where the small things need to be celebrated.

weekend fun & happiness

2011-11-14T20:39:00.001-06:00

we had our ups and downs this weekend, but we did get out for a fun walk and i snagged some photos....

self portrait

2011-11-09T07:00:00.000-06:00

The boy child apparently took a photo of himself while on the computer. I found it while going through my photos file. Gotta love that stink eye he's giving.

facing fears & happiness

2011-11-08T10:13:00.000-06:00

i have a fear of heights. and i just made reservations for june to go parasailing. nothing like hitting a fear head-on, right? i am hoping since it is at my happy place (aka. walt disney world) i will be able to handle this no problem. i am plan to take some awesome photos while enjoying my time in the sky. check out this video for a promo about it.

judging others

2011-11-07T20:52:00.000-06:00

We all do it. Judging others. Even though we have the best of intentions, we do it. Today I was reminded of how cruel people could be and that just when you think you might know someone, they can surprise you. I know I have made comments about a friend named Karma for a few people, but to take delight in someone else's misfortune or unhappiness, I just cannot understand. I am struggling with life and the choices and challenges it presents us. I am unsure of what path to take and it is weighing heavily on my mind.

quick happy

2011-11-07T20:46:00.000-06:00

friday: an enjoyable evening with my husband and the boy child that included shopping and a meal out.

weekend happiness: no work. gut busting laughter with my kids. farts - hey, they are funny!

today: i am struggling with a positive mood today for many reasons. but i will fall back on my every monday happiness.....Castle night on tv. what a fun way to end a crappy day.

dancing happiness

2011-11-03T20:04:00.001-06:00

bellydance class this evening. total happiness and just what i needed. the current choreo is a bit challenging for me which is a good thing. a friend from work is attending this session and it's fun to see her having a good time trying something new.

difficult week

2011-11-02T20:51:00.001-06:00

it has been an interesting and difficult week so i have been sucking, to say the least, on posting for my little happiness project. the point was to think positively on a shitty day, but that has been difficult the last few days. i have been feeling way out of sorts and quite irritable. work sucks major ding dong. the kids have been just awesome...not. so here i am back on the bubble for happiness.

sunday/monday - shitty mood, but fun trick-or-treating with the kids

tuesday - took a day off for mental health, spent the majority of the daytime hours lounging and watching tv. pretty darn awesome. until the husband came home. that was not so awesome of an evening.

today - celebrating a new disney client! they are visiting the world in just over two weeks, nothing like a last minute trip to make one's children happy. ;) also got some news on a friend, he's having surgery next week to fix up his sinuses, or lack thereof i guess....but the really happy part is they don't have to remove his face to do the surgery. that is a totally a great thing!

-------------------------------------
life update as well...

P has continued to have weekly therapy sessions and we have all been impressed in the progress he's made. We've tried some techniques for sensory processing disorder, which we essentially are going to treat him as if he has. We worked with a weighted vest last week, which was quite the challenge, but we think having a weighted blanket will help him more. Project for the winter for me - making a weighted blanket since they cost usually over $100. We saw an ENT today to check out P's structure since he snores and moves so much during sleep. Tonsils are a good size and after a nifty x-ray, found out his adenoid is large as well....so a T&A is scheduled for December. (Seriously, how cool is it to say T&A for my son. Lame, I know but it made me chuckle) His pedi neuro appt is in two weeks, we'll are planning to still go for the consult and see what they say.

A has been well. Homework is usually no issue, but her mood seems to be more touchy lately. I'm hoping it is not the beginning of hormones or something like that. That is waaaaaaayyyy too early for me. She goes back to see the doc in a few weeks for a med check and we'll discuss weaning her off the meds in Jan, which makes me nervous as hell to think about.

Things between J and I have not been totally awesome of late. Life is a challenge these past 6 months and some days have been better than others. Moments of so many emotions have occurred and while the bad situations have sucked, it has enriched our relationship for the long term. So I imagine. Right now. Oh well. Partnership is a journey, right?

punkin time

2011-10-28T22:27:00.000-05:00

We had a punkin carving day with the kids and our nephew last weekend. The kids had fun and it was cool to see the older two select patterns and then do what they needed to create their masterpiece. The punkin's turned out great and here is some of our fun.....

This is a crappy photo, but I love the look on his face!

Here is another fun one where the boy looks like a vampire with his punkin behind him.

The girl hard at work.....

And believe it or not, but it was storming when we conducted this activity....thunder and hail!

Who can resist some yummy roasted punkin seeds? I tried a new recipe and it was sure tasty!

The finished products

a weeks worth

2011-10-28T21:28:00.001-05:00

it has been almost a week since i posted for my project. part of me says it is a fail, but i know that i need to honor the craziness that is my life and allow myself to say it is okay if i cannot get to it that night. i do want to be posting more often however.

so here is a week's worth of happiness:

10/24 - day 6: it is monday, today i am simply thankful and happy that i am breathing

10/25 - day 7: hearing a slice of happiness that a friend is experience. not much better than being happy for someone else.

10/26 - day 8: a slow report day at work. makes the day tolerable.

10/27 - day 9: new opportunity. nothing wrong with checking things out with a new opportunity.

10/28 - day 10: lunch with an awesome friend whom i have missed terribly. it was full of awesomeness.

happiness project weekend coverage

2011-10-23T09:58:00.000-05:00

the happiness of this weekend.....child-free! grandparents took the kids friday and saturday evenings which allowed us to window shop, actual shop, commit the sin of gluttony. it has been awesome!

playin around

2011-10-20T22:08:00.001-05:00

happiness project day 4 & 5

2011-10-20T21:31:00.003-05:00

yesterday: good days at school for the youngest one

today: enjoying an impromptu a capella performance at culver's

happiness project day 3

2011-10-18T18:38:00.001-05:00

a sleeping child is my happiness at the moment. no fighting at bedtime, no more "but mom, i need...", just slumber on the couch because he is so exhausted.

happiness project day 2

2011-10-17T18:17:00.002-05:00

Things that made me happy today:

1) silliness. i got a case of these this afternoon and i think the hubby thought i was off my rocker. it was great!

2) viewing a fantastic photograph

3) my favorite show is on tonight....Castle. i don't believe i need to say more. ;)

happiness project day 1

2011-10-16T22:21:00.001-05:00

my children and their cousin playing so awesomely together today. i have no idea how they managed it for so many hours, but they did. and i am proud of each of them

Accepting Life As Is

2011-10-16T22:07:00.002-05:00

“Kiss your life. Accept it, just as it is. Today. Now. So that those moments of happiness you’re waiting for don’t pass you by.”” ~ Unknown

I came across this quote today when visiting a cool site I follow about Sensory Processing Disorder and it resonated with me. I feel as if we are in wait mode currently with Phoenix and I struggle at times with that. I often tell myself "just get through today or only one more month until his neuro appointment." And then there are moments when he does something that is so, well, him. And it will cause gut-busting laughter or wide smiles at his antics or silliness.

My children have some issues. While they don't technically fall under the special needs category I think, for us they have special needs that some other kids do not have. And that is okay. With all of the struggles that we have been through and all of those yet to come, my children are perfect. And they bring happiness into my life.

I have been struggling of late. Enough that it has impacted my life enough that I made the decision to go back on some medication to help. I feel as if I never have down time to myself and while I am aware that I simply just need to take the time, that is always easier said than done. Home life is crazy. Work life is crazy. I am not managing my stress well at all. Some of it is not accepting what life simply is at the moment and wanting it to be better. Some of it is not taking time to honor myself and recharging. My negativity and the lack of positive morale at work is killing me and yet it has been difficult for me to stay positive and not buy into the sack of crap that work has become.

Perhaps I need to do a 30 day happiness project where I post at least one thing that made me happy that day.....that's an idea. I'll start today.

trying something different

2011-10-10T20:28:00.000-05:00

one of my goals is to be healthier, which in turn means more exercise. i do not want to do this with the focus on weight loss, although that is a beautiful side effect hopefully. ;) so to try something new, i've added a new ticker to my blog....see the top right side column. yes, from my home to walt disney world it is 1418 miles. and i intend to track the miles i walk daily/every couple days/weekly to see how long it would take me to walk there. can't hurt to try something new, eh?

take the risk

2011-10-10T20:18:00.000-05:00

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
~Anais Nin (1903-1977)

this quote speaks volumes to me this evening. what to we have to lose if we take the risk? there are bigger risks than others and what we hold as value in those risk depends on our own perspective of course. but we face risks every day. many we never think of consciously. the ones that weigh heavy on our minds are the 'bigger' risks. should i quit my job? should i try to do my business full time? if i do this, how will it impact the kids? some of the answers come easier than others, but i know for a long time i have shied away from the risks and played things safely. and to me, that's not really living life to it's potential.

disney planning day

2011-10-09T12:19:00.000-05:00

we are having a disney planning day with my in-laws & nephew for our trip in June. it is my nephew's first trip and he is very excited. we've done plenty of trips on our own, just the two of us, and then the kids trip in 2008. this trip, we are all staying together in one villa and i want to ensure careful planning to allow everyone time to see and do the things they want to accomplish and yet still remain sane throughout the trip. ;) the main thing to figure out today is where we want to eat. dining reservations open up at the start of december for our trip and i want to be ready to roll with those rather than scrambling at the last minute.

Fall Fun

2011-10-07T20:01:00.000-05:00

talking with a friend today and i was talking about how much i missed taking photos and writing. he told me to do it. so i did. and it was awesome. here is some of our fall fun tonight.

IMWI 2011

2011-09-25T09:29:00.000-05:00

A close friend of mine participated in the 2011 Ironman Wisconsin race two weeks ago. And I was fortunate enough to be there to watch him and a few other folks, say about 2500, give their all. What an amazing day to witness. The perseverence, the sweat, the tears, the pride. The day was powerful, amazing and left me awestruck to what these individuals do with their bodies.

Here are some of the highlights from the day.....

My friend gave it his all, however he ended up passing out at approximately mile 9-10 of the marathon portion and was transported by ambulance to the med tent where he spent the next 3 hours or so receiving IV fluids. It was heartwrenching to see him process the day later that evening and then throughout the following week, but my friend is a go for IMWI 2012 as of this week! So, we'll be back in Madison for the race next year. His training this year was rather short for triathlete standards and he's laying a plan for training in 2012 that should have him finishing this race in 2012!

Interested in seeing what Ironman is all about? Check out:

Ironman WI sneak peak

2011-09-14T07:22:00.000-05:00

Out of Control

2011-09-07T21:10:00.000-05:00

That is what my life feels like most often right now. I haven't blogged as I just haven't had the heart to. I would much prefer to keep things hidden or private in a sense, but I know it's not helping. P had his evaluation and he does not have ADHD, of which I am happy about. The doctor believes he is so sleep deprived he essentially manifesting ADHD symptoms: the impulsivity, lack of focus, hyperactivity, etc. He would like P to have a sleep study. Awesome. But the pediatrician's office will not refer until they receive the report from the neuro/psych doc. And our local sleep center does not work with kids his age, so we need to travel 45 minutes to another sleep center. (I know, it's not that big of a deal). That place will not speak with me about an appointment at all until they receive the pedi referral. They would not even tell me if he has to see the pedi neurologist first before a sleep study is scheduled or if he can do the sleep study right away or even how far out they are scheduling. In the meantime, we have a little boy who is struggling. And so are his parents. Four days of school so far = 2 incident reports sent home. Non-compliance, aggressiveness, not wanting to participate when he's asked to. And we don't know what to fricking do anymore.

Let me share that he while he's a very active kid, we were not having this large of issues while he was four. Yes, there were some minor things however things have ramped up over the summer. And he's sleeping worse than ever. He is more often than not having a night terror every night. Then he's usually up 3-4 times. We've taken to taking turns sleeping on his floor in desperation of soothing him and making him feel safe (cuz he's scared) and to allow the other parent a decent night's sleep.

He has been seeing a therapist for several weeks now and there have been improvements. Earlier this summer we were battling him almost nightly, now it's 1-3 times a week. But he's also bitten a teacher at summer camp and hit at his teacher today. We've learned through therapy that he likes to have control, which could be a terrific leadership quality if we can harness it right. There are days when we make awesome headway and then bam, then the next night he just disintegrates into this upset, hysterical child before my eyes. There are times when it is difficult to recall the improvements and that alone is frustrating. We have been working with a therapist as well for parent training, which has helped. We still have a long way to go. And while I know there is no magic wand to instantly make things better, it does not stop me from wishing we could solve this, right now.

I am feeling a major sense of being out of control. I am fully aware that I need to control a large portion of my life. I always have. But I have only admitted that recently. I know the anxiety that is felt when I am not in control and can relate to what he is feeling. However, while I turn that inward, he turns it outward against us. J said it perfectly the other month, "it's very humbling to have your ass kicked by your 5 year old." Now this was when things were literally at their worst (so far) and we had been hit, kicked, spit on, snotted on, pushed, had things thrown at us. We've learned that when he enters that stage, we cannot engage him. Or hug or touch him. It will only increase his emotions.

I am struggling because I do not know how to help my child. And that pains so much. I know he is a terrific kid with some issues. He has a beautiful zest for life and is my cuddlebug. But if you piss him off, what out. And that scares me.

Things have been tense between J and I. They came to a head a few weeks ago and during a long heated discussion, I leveled with him that things need to change. It was so difficult and quite an emotional communication, but it was so necessary. Emotions were raw and I told him I was not happy. And that if things do not change, I will not be with him in the years to come. We have both been working on things, which is great. But it is still a struggle at times. I snap at his tone of voice or he gets defensive when I say something. We just celebrated 13 years of marriage and we have been through a great deal together, so while I told him I'd leave if things did not change I also stated it would be one of the most difficult things I'd do.

To top things off, my day job is sucking the life out of me and I am allowing it to happen. Morale at work is so low and a job I enjoyed has become one that I loathe stepping through the doors each morning to do. I feel guilty that I am working when possibly being home to focus more time on P would be better for him. I feel as if I am in a constant state of "fight or flight." And I know it is not healthy.

I'm hoping to make some changes in addition to all of the ones above, things that keep me healthy. I know it is important and needs to be done in order for me to effectively help others in my family. I need to carve in time daily that is just for me. And to start enjoying life again rather than have it seem like a chore.

2011-08-24T21:42:00.000-05:00

I obviously haven't been blogging much. I haven't done much of anything really. This summer we've been trying to get by, day to day living. But we are here. We've had good days and bad days, some good and rough patches.

P had his neuro-psych eval last week. I'm dying for results, but our appt is scheduled for next week. I'd be willing to bet $ that we will be told he has ADHD. There has been talk about his tonsils/adenoids and his sleeping issues, possible seizure activity with his sleep issues & night terrors. He has been in fine form the last few months, acting like a complete lunatic some moments and being that sweet little boy at others. He's been doing behavioral therapy for a few weeks now and most sessions we are having a therapist work with us for parent training. It's been helpful. And while I know that getting an "answer" next week will not solve our problems, I'm hoping it helps with the stress level and the not knowing.

Life

2011-08-24T21:34:00.002-05:00

Delicious

2011-07-13T22:25:00.000-05:00

Brightness

2011-07-06T10:40:00.003-05:00

testing

2011-07-04T21:45:00.000-05:00

We are waiting to get an appointment scheduled for neuro-psych testing for Phoenix now. We have a therapy appointment set up for next week for J and I to start on a treatment plan, but without having the actual testing done, I'm leery of how much of a plan we'll come up with. Things are starting to become out of control for him with some of his behaviors and it's affecting him at daycare. He's sleeping like shit and his night terrors are worsening again. We know he has more difficulty with impulse control and anger when he's tired, so it's been an uphill battle to tackle everything.

On a brighter note, Ari is doing spectacularly. We've had to up her meds a bit and that helped quite a bit. I love that I can discuss tragedies such as the Joplin tornado with her and it's not a major worryfest for days afterwards.

different

2011-07-04T21:37:00.000-05:00

Dearest Phoenix

As I watch you lay sleeping next to me on my bed, I ponder what is in store for you and your life. You amaze me with your knowledge and zest for life. And you frustrate the hell out of me when you are being obstinate and oppositional. We have had some challenges over the last year or so and things have come to a point where we have to ask for outside help. It breaks my heart to know that some things are so difficult for you and your sister. I know that we have to do this to enable you to be the best person you can be, but that doesn't make it any better not knowing what is in your future.

You hate being told no. You strongly dislike transitions. You are so unbelievably frickin' independent. You love to talk, at times non-stop. You keep factoids in your head and share them with us or anyone who will listen. You have the best smile, your entire face lights up. And I love the fact that you still allow mommy smoochies on a regular basis. You can turn any item into a gun and yet enjoy dancing in princess shoes.

Your tantrums are becoming legendary. Screaming, kicking, biting, scratching, spitting, snotting, throwing toys. You can go for 60+ minutes and still be raging like you just started. And yet you can show such sweet and tender emotion when someone you love is hurting. I know you are trying to find a way to express yourself and the impulsive nature of you doesn't allow time for you to get control quickly. And it's begun to affect your outside life in a way that we cannot ignore. There are times I sense your little body is in such chaos and I don't know how to best help you. And I'm sorry for that.

If I am being honest, I'm scared. Scared of what is to come. People have told me for years that you are "hyper" and one of those kids "who never sits still." I am full aware of that. We live with your exuberance on a daily basis. The letters A-D-H-D have been thrown out and if that is what it is, we'll deal with it. I think perhaps you have some sensory issues as well. But when it comes down to it, I do not know what the "label" of the diagnosis will be, if there is one. I know that medication can help many things. It has dramatically changed our lives with your sister. But for some reason, the thought of medicating you for ADHD causes me a small panic inside. And I don't know why. I don't know if it's about the side effects I've heard about for those meds or that I've heard others talk about the overmedicated kids with ADHD. Some of it is the unknown part of our (your) lives right now.

I have so much hope for you. You have such awesome potential to do great things. And I know you will do great things, just like your sister will. I wonder about the man you will become and hope we are teaching you the right things about love, respect, and being a good person. You are my baby. And I love you.

Love,
Mommy

Water Fun

2011-06-29T08:17:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I need a laugh

2011-06-28T23:12:00.000-05:00

A friend shared this with me a few months ago and we always pull it out on our phones if one of us is having one of those days.....today (like so many in the past month) I am having one of those days that I could use a laugh.

Film Classics on Vuvuzela

Whirling Dervish

2011-05-22T22:31:00.000-05:00

The days and weeks have flown by and will continue to do so. It's my boy child's birthday today, he turned 5 and apparently wanted to start his fifth year out with a new 'do. He decided to cut his hair last night and I had no option but to buzz it off. Lovely. I did not cry. But I did think about it.

I'm sticking okay with the gluten free. To be honest, at times it's difficult because I'm not outwardly symptomatic however I know that my body inside is not doing well. That is hard to remember when that damn pizza smells so frickin' fantastic. But the majority of days are gluten free and I'm still on the hunt for new recipes all the time. I'm searching for some gluten free bread and will be resorting to baking my own here this week. Hoping that goes well.

The big news this week is that we are getting a dog. Yes, a sign that I am officially crazy. I've got two weeks until the walk, I'm working FT with a PT job and have two kids who are high energy and require extra attention for their needs....and I'm adding a dog. A selfish part of me longs for this. A dog that needs a walk, and because I cannot take the damn time for myself, this way I can do walks, etc for him (and for me). He's 7 and a boxer. And loves to sleep! The family met with him last weekend and things look like a great fit, so he should be joining our family this next weekend hopefully.

I have three more things to do before bed, so I better get scootin'. I think longingly of blogging throughout the days, but this month simply have not taken the time. I'm crashing into bed at night and looking forward to things to wind down soon.

8 Years

2011-05-03T08:15:00.014-05:00

Eight years ago today, I was lying in a hospital bed not fully comprehending what was happening to me. I knew I was having a baby, but no clue as to how sick I was getting throughout the day. Our four pound guppy was born just after 3pm and I barely got to see her before she was whisked off. I spent that night recovering and finally got down to see her the next morning where I held her for the first time. Eight years. I can recall moments of that day precisely and yet it seems so long ago. We got off to a rocky start and quite frankly, life with that child has been an adventure ever since.

She's growing into a lovely young lady and is in the between stage of little girl/young lady. One who enjoys her Littlest Pet Shop and Tink, but yet wants to jam to Katy Perry or Lady Gaga. I can see her dreams and want to do whatever I can to help her achieve those dreams.

I love that little girl. I sure do.

Vote for us!

2011-05-02T14:15:00.001-05:00

My mom and I entered a local "Mother & Daughter" look-a-like contest and I'd appreciate your vote!! I'd love for her to get some extra pampering!

Bird Watch

2011-05-02T08:30:00.000-05:00

This bird made me smile.

When you get older

2011-05-01T11:19:00.000-05:00

Time sure flies by when you are older. I recall my grandma and other "old" folks when I was young saying that time goes faster when you are older. I scoffed at the idea. Now I know it's true. Between appointments, busy work schedules, volunteer items and other various family things...the calendar has been full. Wow.

I've got several Disney clients that I'm working with helping plan some pretty awesome vacations. I'm quite jealous at the moment and was hoping I could fit into someone's suitcase, but I think I need to work out a bit more for that to happen. And with the expected free dining offer coming soon, things will pick up more most likely. I love what I do though, which makes it worth it.

We are just over a month out from the Promise Walk and I am, like usual, behind in planning. I'm not really sure where March and April went, so May is going to be busy as well with planning. Trying to find entertainment and gather ideas for keeping the kids busy on walk day, continuing to gather sponsors for the raffle and monetary donations, getting the posters/brochures together and printed and distributed. Thankfully I have a woman who stepped up to assist me this year, which has been a lifesaver this week in accomplishing all of the things we still need to take care of. I know it will all come together, it always does. But I also know that I'm a lunatic the month prior as we come closer to walk day.

Ari continues to be doing awesome with her moods and worries. We have a follow up with the doc in a week or so. Phoenix has been more of a challenge lately, pushing boundaries and just plain being a stinker. J and I both have had lots of extracurriculars happening and things have been more bumpy lately, which is just plain great let me tell you. Not.

On a fun note, I'm prepping with some fellow ladies for a NKOTB concert in July. Crimper, 80's clothes. It's going to be fantastic!

I think that's a quick recap of what's been happening with me. I have intended to sit down and write, but honestly by the time 10pm rolls around, I'm wiped. I haven't had much time to take for myself and haven't taken the short time I have had for myself, but that's about to change. It always takes a busy time for me to remember to nurture myself.

Home Work

2011-04-13T08:29:00.001-05:00

.....used to be so much more of a struggle.

Promise Walk time

2011-04-12T20:50:00.000-05:00

It's Promise Walk For Preeclampsia time again. I am coordinating the walk in my hometown again this year and hope to be an even bigger success than the years prior. Our goals are set a bit higher this year and what is really exciting for me is the fact that we have 5 teams registered already! And all of them have fundraising goals set, which is really awesome. Our team is reaching for another $1000 goal again this year. I'm hopeful we can reach it, but also know finances are even more tough for many this year. The awareness we share is vital and priceless.

I won't go on and on as if you are a regular here, you know our story and how passionate I am about preeclampsia awareness. If you could spare a buck or two (or ten or twenty), please consider donating to our "Gang" again this year. I sure would appreciate it.

I have what?

2011-04-11T20:56:00.000-05:00

Dermatitis herpetiformis

If you are anything like me, you are wondering what exactly the hell is dermatitis herpes what? Dermatitis herpetiformis is a condition that occurs often when someone has a sensitivity to gluten, or wheat. And apparently this is what I've developed. Total awesomeness. I think my second reaction was, well, fuck me.

I awoke in the middle of the night the other week with an intense burning itch on my inner forearms. I put cold water on them and went back to sleep. In the morning, I saw a couple of red spots but nothing major. The next night, I awoke to the same itching except it was on my outer forearms and hands. These pimple-like red spots that made me want to rip my skin off. In the morning, I still had some spots and then my chest broke out a bit. I had just started a new shampoo and thought perhaps I was having a reaction to that, so I stopped using it. And then after a delicious lunch of Domino's Pizza, my arms were on fire again. I stocked up on an antihistimine and itched at varying times over the weekend, most often after I finished eating. Monday, I called the doctor and they scheduled me for Wednesday. In the meantime, my arms looked horrendous. My coworkers teased me that I was a meth addict. Turns out those spots are like small blisters and my itching made them all pop, bleed, and scab, and then bleed some more when I itched again.

this is what I looked like.....

Nasty, right? I am embarrassed to show my arms. Turns out, the doc thinks I have a gluten intolerance, sensitivity or full blown allergy. I had celiac labwork done last year as she suspected I had an issue with gluten, however my bloodwork was just within normal range. Unlike A's, who's labwork was competely wonky and then upon the biopsy, turned out she has no damage to her celia and thus no celiac. But I digress.

The doc's daughter discovered a gluten intolerance in this exact fashion a number of years ago and now breaks out in this "rash" when she even has just a few bites of wheat. Did I mention, it looks awesome? So, my doc prescribed a gluten-free diet for the next 6 weeks until I see her again. Um, can I admit that I about cried when she told me no bread? Cuz, that's true. I'm a carb addict. I left the office wondering what on earth I will eat now, stopped at the bookstore for some gluten free books and then onto the grocery store for some gluten-free foods.

If you haven't priced out gluten-free foods....they are frickin' expensive! I knew I'd need some snacks and thought I'd try out some different items. Now, I know I can still eat meat, fruits, veggies and lots of other food. But I also knew I'd need some "quick" items to eat. I discovered over the weekend, I can still do my chips & dip (yay-fucking-hoo!!) and the noodles are not all that bad. I am on the hunt for more information, recipes, tips, and more as this is quite the educational experience for me. I've run the gammut of being pissed off, depressed, and more about it. I have noticed that I actually feel better over the last few days (I've been gluten free since Wed last week minus a few mistakes/sneaks), which is awesome. I did have some french fries with lunch today and wow, within the hour my stomach felt like shit. No rash (thankfully), but I could tell my digestive system was not appreciative.

I decided today that I do not like the word diet when I say Gluten Free Diet, so I came up with Alternative Food Choices, or AFC's. It is sure to be an education, an adventure and a lifestyle change.

It's a Party

2011-04-04T12:28:00.001-05:00

5 Minute for Mom is in the middle of their Annual Ultimate Blog Party and it's a great time!! Check it out to meet other ladies, find some cool business, win some prizes, and have fun!

If you are on Twitter, follow #UBP11 for a live even tonight! Check out the UBP page for more info.

Food Changes

2011-04-04T12:12:00.001-05:00

Most people that know me IRL, know that I am a selective eater. I like certain things and am not very adventurous. My tongue is on fire with spicy foods and texture matters big-time. I love to eat however. The problem is that I love to eat mostly the wrong foods. We've been making changes, however slight, to make more sit down meals with the family or making real mashed potatoes vs out of the box.

I took time this morning to watch Supersize Me and Food, Inc. And while I have made small changes to eating better or having healthier foods in our home, I know I have yet to truly make changes. There is a piece in Food, Inc. in which a farmer says (not exact quote) "I have people come up and complain about paying $3.00 for a dozen of organic eggs while they are holding a 75 cent can of pop." That is so me. I have done that very thing. I've talked about walking to the farmer's market in summer and buying produce, but have rarely followed through.

I have yet to discuss this food change plan with my partner in ~~crime~~, I mean, life. So we'll see how far I can take this. He already complains about what I don't eat, but I'm thinking I may eat more things if I know they are healthy and not processed. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I will still have my chips (on occasion) and my processed wheat pizza dough from a national chain. But change starts small, right? I've thought about planting a garden and have discounted it due to the deer, squirrels, and rabbits we have traversing through. I've played with the idea of container gardening, but thought it was too much effort or that it's not really worth it. But now I'm thinking differently and doing some investigating about it.

So those who do organic, grass-fed food, etc.....got ideas, recipes, and other tidbits to share?

A New Life

2011-04-04T11:56:00.000-05:00

It's been one month. One month since A has been on her medication. Let me preface this post by stating that medications are not for everyone. I can only speak to our experience and from our standpoint, medication for our child's anxiety issues has been a lifesaver.

Deciding to have your child medicated is not an easy decision. It is one we made after much thought, months of therapy (which continues), and in consultation with a child pyschiatrist. I was resistant to the idea for a long time. And after a while I became more open to the idea. After day in and day out fighting with her or her worries, not knowing what you say could cause her to explode, not sure if your child is feeling okay about herself today or if she wants to hurt herself. It was exhausting. And lonely. I have shared some of our experience here, but not a great deal. Many people who know A have no idea how far her worries go or ever see the "real" thing. It took the experiences of others in similar situations, careful thought, and loads of discussion to make the decision.

And it was one of the best decisions we've ever made. She is a different A. In a great way. I was intensely worried that she would be zoned out or changed in a bad way by the meds. She's not. It allows her to have her real self shine through. The worries don't get in the way. She's happy, not bogged down by intense emotions, and is able to handle talking with mom & dad without someone melting down. Rather than having daily, or almost daily, incidents to deal with; we have once in a while incidents. She still does have worries, still has self-esteem issues, still feels strongly about things. But she can do so without having this extra "thing" tagging along. That is the best way I can think to word it. The "thing" does not control life anymore.

The Dr. indicated she'd be on the meds for approximately 6 months and then we will wean her off to see where she's at. She may need them for only 6 months, 1 year, a couple years, or perhaps forever. We simply do not know what will happen as she develops into her pre-teen, teen, and adult years. The hope is that if things can re-wire themselves she won't need meds long-term, but if she does, so be it. As she grows, she can utilize and understand more tools to help herself. We continue to use cognitive methods and tools to help her, and will continue to do so.

I love that little girl. Fiercely. And I know in my heart we made the right choice for her.

First Visit Home

2011-03-20T08:06:00.001-06:00

Free Disney Tickers

We bought into Disney's Vacation Club this last week. And our first visit "home" will be in August of 2012. We'll be vacationing with J's mom & stepdad, and taking our nephew to WDW for his first visit. We can't wait! We are also planning another trip for spring 2013 with my parents, so we will be sure to get our Disney quota's met.

Jason and I have been interested in DVC for years and we haven't had the financial opportunity to buy in. And we are so proud of paying off a tremendous amount of debt over the last 2-3 years that we rewarded ourselves. Yes, we are Disney fanatics. To know us is to know that. We plan trips every 2-3 years most of the time. This allows us to visit and stay in a nice location and plan vacays to other places using our points.

Got Meds?

2011-03-01T22:19:00.000-06:00

We had the elusive appointment with Dr. D today. And it was a fantastic appointment. Further confirmation that we have a pretty smart, creative, and special little girl. I left the appointment feeling hopeful. And validated. He thinks she does have some sensory issues that run alongside and help increase her anxiety. We got a "good job" basically on what we have been doing for techniques, etc. Some things were recommended for tweaks, but overall we have been right on.

I know the title of this post is rather cavalier, but it's our reality. We have decided the best course at this time is medication along with the therapy. We know it's not an easy or quick fix, and it certainly was not an easy decision. But it's the right one for us. And the hope that our little girl can fall asleep easier, worry less, and love herself more in the long run is strong right now. She is very excited to take her "medicine" and understands the basic concept that it may help her" brain work better" (her words). I hope so too my dear. Hopefully in about a month, we'll be on the swing to happier days for her.

Bird on a Wire

2011-02-19T10:14:00.001-06:00

I am so frustrated. And I do not know what to do. My abilities as a parent are 100% failing me. And I feel like a bird on a wire. I am precariously perched on a small ledge and if I shift too far one way or the other, the fall has the potential of devastating consequences. However, I am attempting to remain stalwart and strong, albeit ready to take flight.

Ari has tried many activities....T-ball, tennis, tae kwan do, swimming, and now Brownies. T-ball was a nightmare. And is when we discovered activities that has her focusing more on individuality rather than a full team is better for her psyche. She can do team approach somewhat, however the counselor warned that she feels responsible for a loss if she feels she made the slightest mistake. Okay, no "team" sports. She tried tae kwan do over the summer the other year and was excellent at it. J signed her up for the remainder of the year and quite frankly, ended up pushing her too hard and she stopped wanting to go. Talk of tournaments and a rigorous 3 times a week schedule was too much for her. Tennis was a 6 week program at school. She made it two weeks. Swimming is the only thing that has stuck for her and she is quite good. It challenges her and yet allows her to interact with other kids at the same level.

And then she wanted to join Brownies this year. She was so excited, couldn't wait to get her sash and earn badges. And here we are, the second week in a row, that she doesn't want to go. She states she has no fun at Brownies and the meetings are too long. I let her skip last week as many of the girls do not attend each and every meeting. However, the December and January meetings were canceled due to weather. She's sold the cookies and had fun. But she says she's done now. So, in a fit of anger, I told her if she didn't go today (touring the fire dept at which she's been too before) then after she gets her cookies, she's done. It's not fair to the other participants if she isn't willing to give her best towards it.

I'm on the fence about forcing my children to attend something they signed up for. Part of me dictates that if you sign up for something you follow it through. The other part of me knows how she is and that it will be a disaster if we force her. I don't know what lesson to teach. That you follow through or that it's okay to quit? Can I teach her both? That if you try something and don't like it, try something else and keep trying until you find your "thing?" Or that you sign the line (and mom & dad invest $ into), you keep going whether you like it or not.

She sits here now asking me to play Pokemon with her. I cannot and will not. This is the time that she is to be at Brownies and I will not be spending the time playing a game with her. Not sure which lesson I'm teaching at this point, but it feels right. Of course, it has led to her crying and hitting herself, screaming "I'm so stupid" and "I"m no good at anything." I feel desperate to fix her. To tell her she is worthy and have her completely believe me. I don't know how to best help my child today. I am struggling and frustrated. My patience feels as if it's nearing empty and I do not not how to replenish it. I am so tired of the struggle and I do not know what to do next to best help her. Is this just her personality? Or is something else going on? I know she will always struggle with perfectionism, worries, and self-esteem. I just want her to be the best Ari that she can be, that's my job as her mother. Right now, I am at a loss at how to do so.

I'm Baaaaaack

2011-02-12T22:39:00.000-06:00

So, I resolved my issues with blogspot after having posting issues on wordpress. And I'm back here.

Part of my decision in moving to a different local was a few select individuals who read my blog. Then I thought about it. And thought about it some more. There are times I do not post what I really want to due to eyes that may be reading. And my conclusion is, if someone doesn't like what I post.....then don't come here. Simple as that. Why do I have to leave a place I was comfortable in to avoid a situation? I don't. And I won't give that person power in that regard.

My apologizes to those who followed me over the wp. I hope you keep up here again.

Love to you all in bloggy land.

Appt Update

2011-02-12T22:03:00.001-06:00

I was able to get the appointment rescheduled for March 1st. That’s not too far away. I hope.

Book Check

2011-02-07T22:03:00.000-06:00

What book are you reading right now? Why did you chose it? Are you enjoying it?

Anxiety Update

2011-02-06T22:02:00.000-06:00

It’s been a while since I posted (of course). Here’s a down and dirty on the anxiety status at our home:
December (prior to Christmas)–I arrange for Ari’s records to be sent to Dr. D (the child psychologist). Then I find out that I need to complete a large packet prior to the office scheduling an appointment. Nothing like a delay. I receive the packet in the mail on Christmas Eve and spend time over the holidays answering questions such as “what fears does your child have?” and “what kind of discipline do you use with your child?” I send the packet in right away with hope we get an appointment in January yet.
One week goes by.
Another week goes by. I’m becoming anxious now about this appointment. I think about calling, but tell myself that they need to review her records and the packet prior to scheduling the appoint.
I call at 3 weeks out. And the receptionist says “We sent your packet out on Dec. 22 and have yet to receive anything back.” Um, you’ve got to be frickin’ kidding me. Yes, that is what I really said. Two trains of thought instantly coursed through my mind. 1) Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. How can this be? You HAVE to schedule her NOW. 2) sigh. The paperwork got lost in the mail. I want to cry.
I feel myself getting very emotional, but hold it together and firmly tell the woman that I sent back the packet right after Christmas. She will mail me another, or I can stop by and pick it up. It’s Wednesday. My goal is to have it back to them by the next day or Friday at the latest. We make arrangements for me pick up the packet. I hang up and then I start to cry. I am upset with myself for not calling sooner. For not listening to my gut. But what can I do at this point. Fill out another damn packet, that’s what.
I collect myself and make another call. Within minutes, Jason calls from home. Thankfully he was home with a sick kid and guess who called? Dr. D’s office. They found the packet. And we have an appt for the second week of February. I think they worked us in due to the snafu.
During this time, Ari has had a pretty good time dealing with her anxiety. No major “episodes” as I call them. I start to question myself and our decision. Are we doing the right thing? I remind myself that we’ve gone weeks before where things were good and then whammo. Anxiety/worries/emotional instability strikes. And of course, that is exactly what happened. The week of the full moon, hell broke loose. A week and a half of upheaval. It was exhausting. And it reminded me that while she may great days/weeks, she still manages this on a daily basis.
And here we are. Almost to her appointment. It’s supposed to be this next Thursday. And Friday, she brings home an invitation. Her class is putting on a play. She’s playing “mouse” and wants us to be there. The play is at 2:15pm. Guess what time her appointment is? 2:00pm. And just the mention that perhaps she may not be in the play and we’d have to talk with her teacher about sends her over the edge. So, I will be calling Monday to reschedule her appointment.
sigh. I’m guessing it will be another month or two before we get in.

Act

2011-01-05T22:02:00.000-06:00

I just cannot seem to get my act together. I have finally (and I think it’s final proof) come to realize that I completely and utterly suck at time management.
I am constantly running behind in the morning. I am sure I look like a lunatic trying to get things together in the morning. Many nights I try to get things together the night before; the kids school stuff, lunches, my bags for work. Something that bothers me is that I am usually the only one doing this. My husband is not really a prepare the night before kind of person. But we so both need to be. This morning was bad, and we knew it would be bad going on with some extracurriculars happening this morning.
My time management at work as been nil. I could use another 40 hours this week just for that. I’m starting to really fall behind and being gone last week 3 days out of the week did not help. Bah.
So, I have the opportunity to take an online course on Time Management. But it’s 4 hours long. Where do I find 4 hours to schedule that in? Or do I just say, screw it and do it one morning next week?

2010 52 Book Challenge

2011-01-01T22:05:00.000-06:00

So close and yet so far away. I crammed in quite a few books at the end, but still fell short. I’m hoping to achieve the 52 books in 2011. Here is my list for 2010:
41. Lover Mine by J.R. Ward
40. Lover Avenged by J.R. Ward
39. Lover Enshrined by J.R. Ward
38. Lover Unbound by J.R. Ward
37. Lover Revealed by J.R. Ward
36. Lover Awakened by J.R. Ward
35. Lover Eternal by J.R. Ward
34. Dark Lover by J.R. Ward
33. The Rest of Her Life by Laura Moriarty
32. Strangers in Death by J.D. Robb
31. Promises in Death by J.D. Robb
30. Strangers in Death by J.D. Robb
29. The Battle of the Labyrinth by Rick Riordon
28. The Titan’s Curse by Rick Riordon
27. The Sea of Monsters by Rick Riordon
26. Comeback by Claire Fontaine and Mia Fontane
25. The Brazen Bride by Stephanie Laurens
24. The Reckless Bride by Stephanie Laurens
23. The Untamed Bride by Stephanie Laurens
22. Autobiography of a Fat Bride by Laurie Notaro
21. Heat Wave by Richard Castle
20. Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
19. I Love Everybody (And other white lies) by Laurie Notaro
18. We Thought You Would Be Prettier by Laurie Notaro
17. Pieces of Happily Ever After by Irene Zutell
16. How to Be Cool by Johanna Edward
15. Ten THings I Love About You by Julia Quinn
14. Married by Morning by Lisa Kleypas
13. The Keepsake by Tess Gerritsen
12. The Elusive Bride by Stephanie Laurens
11. Kindred in Death by JD Robb
10. Pieces of Happily Ever After by Irene Zutell
9. notes left behind – 135 days with Elena by Brooke & Keith Desserich
8. Someone To Watch Over me by Lisa Kleypas
7. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks
6. At Last Comes Love by Mary Balough
5. The Lightening Thief by Rick Riordan
4. Are You There Vodka? It’s Me Chelsea by Chelsea Handler
3. Testimony by Anita Shreve
2. Sam’s Letters to Jennifer by James Patterson
1. The Tenth Circle by Jodi Piccoult

2011 Meme

2011-01-01T22:00:00.000-06:00

2011 Meme

Once in a while I find myself wanting to partake in meme-goodness. Not sure why, but I do. So with some encouragement and the meme from Aunt Becky, here is my 2011 Meme.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
~~Had sex with a stranger~~
Um, nope. I didn’t kiss a stranger either. Or do anything else with a stranger. Perhaps that needs to be on my bucket list or resolutions for the year. Seriously though, there isn’t really anything that comes to mind that I hadn’t done before. I guess 2010 was a boring year in that regard.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
See previous post. I made goals for 2010 and many of them remain on the list. See upcoming post for 2011 goals.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
We’ve had some new babies in the family, but no one super close to me had a sprite this year. I enjoy the babies, but it’s oh so wonderful to give them back once they cry or shite in their pants.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully no. We won’t go to the place where I wished someone dead however.

5. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Time. Energy. And more time.

6. What countries did you visit?
I dreamed of other countries, does that count?

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
June 5th – Promise Walk day, awesome and emotional altogether
Nov 2nd – the day WI went red
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Working with my daughter to combat her anxieties and low self-esteem. We still have miles to go, but we are well on our way.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not taking care of myself in so many ways.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had a lovely and most enjoyable bout with pneumonia in early November. That rocked.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A house. And my iPhone.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Great question. On occasion it would be my kidlets or the husband.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The idiots that I work with at my day job, how some people chose to live their life amazes me. And at times, it feels like no matter what change I help bring about, some will never choose a better path or to not hurt others.

14. Where did most of your money go?
This year, it went to a house. And some crap to go in it.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My house. And a trip that never came to fruition unfortunately.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
BeenerKeKee
This guy will always remind me of this year.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Honestly, probably sadder. But more hopeful.

ii. thinner or fatter? Hands down, fatter. Awesome.

iii. richer or poorer? Richer and poorer. We’ve got that mortgage to pay, but we’ve also paid our other debt waaaay the fuck down.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Blogged. Read books. Hang with the kidlets. Dance. Hang with friends.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Work. Worry.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Christmas is over and planning 2011 Christmas is a bit in advance for me.

21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21.
Aunt Becky threw in her own question here. I guess I will do the same.
What is the most embarrassing CD/Album you’ve ever owned? O-Town

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Yep. I heart my iPhone.

23. How many one-night stands?
Is that a new piece of furniture? Unfortunately, my hoochie-coochie is too old and dusty for that sort of thing.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Castle. Nathan Fillon is wonderful. And I’ve had a thing for him since he was on All My Children.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is a strong word, but yes I do. Or at least something close to hate.

26. What was the best book you read?
Coming Back by Claire Fontaine and Mia Fontaine. A heartbreaking journey of a family who’s daughter became a heroin addict.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Brandi Carlisle Her music is haunting and delightful. And I had the opportunity to see her in concert this year, which was rockin’ fantabulous!

28. What did you want and get?
I’ll stick with my age old 2011 meme reply….a house.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Avatar

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I worked on my birthday, I think. It was obviously very memorable.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Vacation. To. Anywhere.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
More jewelry

34. What kept you sane?
Not quite sure I am sane. But usually when I downslide, that husband of mine helps me through things.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I strongly fancy me some Matt Damon, Brad Pitt.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
There are a few, but reproductive choice is one of my biggies. Currently, it’s the blanket thought out there by some that state employees are the reason our state is bankrupt and are lazy. Those people get a big “F-U” from me on that one.

37. Who did you miss?
My friend D, who rocks. My grandpa, who hasn’t been with us for a long time.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Not many new people this year for me personally. I will grandfather in my work husband, Sep. Although we met two years ago, he started working in my office this year which has been fun and entertaining.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Stop sweating the small stuff. Let things go.
Oh wait, I’m still learning those.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
C-Lo Green’s “Fuck You” and Bruno Mars “Just the Way You Are”

A year comes to a close

2010-12-31T22:00:00.000-06:00

A year comes to a close

My goals for 2010 were as follows:

Feel comfortable in my own skin
Laugh even more
Scrapbook more
Be healthier
Pay off debt / Sock $ away for house!
Read, read, and then read some more
Take more photos
Experiment more with my camera

Let’s just say I did not get to a few of those. Quite a few. A few more than I thought I’d get to. 2010 saw us taking the plunge and buying a house after we paid off mucho debt in 2009 (yay!). I did get some reading done, but not as much as I would have like. I took the least amount of photos in 2010 than in years and did not explore my camera the way I wanted to. Feeling comfortable in my own skin will always be a challenge me thinks as will being healthier.
I’ve learned a great deal this year as well. I am not as strong as I pretend to be. I am losing patience as I get older apparently and quite enjoy being pissy while I drive. I appreciate my family in a new way this year and have come to accept that while I love the people close to me, I don’t always have to like them on occasion. And that is totally okay.
I have big hopes and dreams for 2011. And that is for another post.

Moving Along

2010-12-31T21:59:00.000-06:00

After discussion and more discussion, we are seeking an appointment with a psychiatrist for children. I had to complete this huge packet of information before they will schedule an appointment and apparently it’s a 3-4 month wait anyway. Fingers crossed we get in before March. The pedi will not prescribe meds since A is so young, but she’s doing what she can to get us in sooner than usual. Of course, we make the decision to try meds and A has had a great couple of weeks. Sure, there have been ups and downs, but overall she is doing good.
I feel like we are making the right choice for A and our family, but it is still so damn scary. Like I’m about to jump off this precipice with no return. All of the what if’s. But they exist anyway, don’t they. All I can hope is trying the mds helps her mellow out a bit and be more smooth with not such wide swings of emotion and worry.
I came across a book entitled “Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid” and I love it. It’s about life with special kids. I haven’t finished the book yet, but from what I’ve started it seems like good reading. It makes me laugh and not feel so alone in the thought that I wish some people would tone down the talk about how “perfect” their kids are. We all know at least one person who is like that. Some of you have shared your struggles with me, and I deeply appreciate it. I haven’t taken the time to say thank you (and I’m sorry for that), but your words (J and D) touched my heart.
So for now we are simply moving along. Moving along in doing more research with reading, moving along with doctor/counselor appointments, moving along with open minds.

moving on

2010-12-26T22:41:00.001-06:00

I've decided to move on to another location. I'll be sending facebook messages out with the new link. If I miss you or you are not on facebook, shoot me an email at dlang76 at yahoo dot com and leave me a comment that you did so.

Technically Challenged

2010-12-26T20:11:00.001-06:00

I was attempting to change the template design of the blog, but I seem to be having technical difficulties. Awesome. I go into template designer and nothing loads. No matter how long I sit there. Frickfrack!

Holidays

2010-12-26T19:59:00.000-06:00

It's been awhile again. Sorry about that. It's the same old story, swamped as usual.

I hope that each of you had a spectacular holiday season so far, whatever you celebrate. Ours has been filled with ups and downs, but memorable nonetheless. The kids ate entirely too much sugar. We ate too much food in general on at least one occasion. More for my dearest husband. ;) Lovely gifts were exchanged and it was wonderful to visit with family that I haven't talked with for a time.

The new year is coming, and coming up quick. It has me doing my annual thinking of what I'm getting out of life and how/what to change. My goals for 2010 were somewhat successful, a few were not reached. Whether I pass those along to next year or not remains to be seen.

I've also been thinking that perhaps the reason I'm not writing is due to the possibility of certain eyes reading this. And with that, I've been weighing whether or not to relocate the blog. I've fallen back into the trap of caring what other people think and while I know it's not right or correct, it does weigh on my mind. So, I'm tossing that idea around. Those of you who are "regulars," no worries. I'll be sure to keep you posted.

This mixed bag for a post will come to an end now. Again, may each of you have a wonderful holiday season!

Vent

2010-11-29T22:15:00.001-06:00

Some days I just do not know what to do or where to turn. We had one of *those* evenings with A today. It was a brief 15 minutes or so, but quite honestly I am tired of dealing with them. And I know I can't be. But some days are just too much. I'm thankful today was only a short time and she had a quick and great recovery. But man, it is such a roller coaster.

I have been trying to do some research on the web about children & anxiety, reading books, trying to gather and try new techniques. But it never feels like I'm doing enough. And at times, I am overwhelmed at having to do it all myself. The husband is not taking my discussion of the medication possibility well, and I didn't respond very well to that. Lovely, made myself feel even more like crap then.

I do not really have anything great to say and I guess I am wallowing a bit in self pity, needing to vent.

Thankfulness

2010-11-27T09:13:00.000-06:00

“Be thankful for hard times in your life. Try not to look at them as bad things, but as opportunities to grow and learn.”

This quote caught my eye and I think helps place those difficult moments into perspective. I am thankful for my wonderful family, friends near and far, good health, knowledge, hope and magic.

It is difficult at times to appreciate those moments that get you down. When your child is screaming at you that you do not care about her. When your child hits you because you said no. With reflection, I must be grateful for those times. I am grateful that I and my children are here to suffer through those parenting difficulties. I am thankful that my husband and I each have our own mind with our own ideas, beliefs, and thoughts. Even if that creates slight disagreements. I am grateful for their love.

I am very thankful for the good health of some loved ones who have waged war against cancer. My dad just had another scope and got a good bill of health. He will continue to have scopes and the treatments as bladder cancer's rate of reoccurence is pretty high. I'm thankful our friend Laura battled breast cancer and won. She did so with grace and bravery.

I am unsure if I can even put into words how awesome it is to own our first home. Sure, there are some things we need to unpack yet and projects aplenty, but that is what makes it fun, right? Every few days or so, my husband looks at me with this magnificent grin and tells me he loves our house. The joys and pains of homeownership are still being enjoyed here.

Magic is in our lives each and every day, from the twinkle in my children's eye to the freshly fallen snow reflecting the bright sun. I am so very thankful for that as well.

Difficult

2010-11-17T22:22:00.000-06:00

I've tried to start this post so many times over the last week. And each time I have given up. The words too difficult to pour forward. Too difficult to write without tears obscuring my vision. And too difficult to imagine what life will be like in the future.

I've mentioned briefly before that Ari was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder earlier this year. But I haven't written much about it since. And my hope is to start doing so in order to just even sort out my own thoughts.

There are days we have no idea what child we will get. Will the sweet, happy child awaken? Or will the dragon child? Will she be happy-go-lucky in the morning only to fall apart after we pick her up from school? And how will the evening go? Endless questions as to what will happen. Each day. Some days or weeks are better than others. We can go weeks without a full blown breakdown. But we can tell when it's starting to build. And we do whatever we can to avoid it, but it happens nonetheless. We manage. We struggle. We cry. And we laugh. We get to ride the roller coaster with her. And it sucks. Plain and simple. Even though I get to ride in the cart with her, I cannot imagine what daily life is truly like for her. Trying to hold herself together during the day at school and then feeling safe enough at night to decompress, even if that means it ends up in a trantrumatic fight. There are days we simply do what we can to help her. And it often doesn't feel as if it's enough.

When she had testing earlier this year, it was brought out that she suffers from low self esteem. Duh, we already knew that. But what we didn't know prior to that is that she sometimes thought she shouldn't be alive because she's not good enough. We were told she didn't have a depressive disorder and didn't understand what suicide really was. Sigh of relief right? That's what we thought. I've told her father that if we cannot help her along her path of life well enough, I can see her developing an eating disorder or becoming a cutter. Suicide is not something that any parent ever wants to imagine their child thinking about, especially at age seven.

However, that is what we have had to think about over the last two weeks. The other weekend, she became very upset at me and during her blow up in her room, she created a card for me. The front was beautiful with pink letters saying "I love you mom" and hearts. The inside left page speaks of being sorry for her actions earlier in the evening. And on the left inside page...."I'm sorry I am so stupid." With a drawing of herself. Putting a sword into her belly with blood dripping down, pooling on the floor.

Yes, that is what we have been dealing with. I had to have a discussion with my seven year old to discover if she was seriously thinking of harming herself while internally freaking out, wondering if we need to hide our knives and take her to the hospital. Through sobbing, I managed to learn that she was not serious about hurting herself, but did think she shouldn't be alive because she is too stupid. I made her promise to not hurt herself and told her we'd discuss it with her counselor. The counselor believes this is just how she is expressing herself. That she does not really understand what truly her photo meant. I cannot tell you how every fiber of my being hopes she is right. Trying to have a discussion about suicide with an intelligent young lady while not trying to teach her about suicide is delicate. No other word for it.

We hear often that no one cares about her, that we don't love her. I can tell her until I am blue in the face that I love her and she's the most beautiful and special girl and she doesn't believe me. Makes one feel like a huge fat failure as a parent that's for sure. It makes us wonder what lays ahead for her, for us. And makes us wish that things could be easier for her.

It's been a great week this week. I'm sure the high's and low's will continue. We'll have more fights. There will be more laughs, more awesome moments. Those make the unbearable days more bearable.

National Prematurity Month

2010-11-17T22:02:00.000-06:00

Eight years ago, I was preparing to finally leave the first trimester behind. The yukkies were (hopefully) almost over. I was a prepared preggo. I read books, joined websites, and read all the materials my doctor gave me. And yet, when the pain struck that day in May of 2003 I had no idea what was happening. First, I was told it was my gall bladder and then the news came. You will be having your baby this weekend. What? Um no. We have Lamaze this weekend and she's not supposed to be here for another 5+ weeks.

What happened then became a haze as I entered in the world of HELLP Syndrome. Something I had no clue even existed. Something that I have since learned takes the lives of women and children on a regular basis. I developed severe preeclampsia just shy of 35 weeks and had to deliver my baby in order to save my own life in addition to hers. That 4lb guppy is now seven years old and is very healthy physically.

Fast-forward three years and our son is born at 37 weeks (what my OB calls "not quite term-ish"). I had been battling gestational hypertension for about five weeks prior to D-day. And that day, my OB told me it was a good day for me to deliver as things appeared to be heading south within my body. He was born slightly early and while small at 5lbs 6oz, he did great and came home with us.

So many friends & family members have walked the road of prematurity. It's a road I would not wish upon anyone. No one dreams of having a baby in the NICU. The dreams of the "perfect" pregnancy and "perfect" birth go quickly out the door. And the guilt that comes along the prematurity road is horrifying. Asking yourself daily what you did to cause this. Is the issue your child is having now related to their prematurity? This is not a fun or easy path to walk.

But having a premature baby allows a gratefulness for life to enter your life that I'm not sure otherwise can be introduced. You cherish the small things and are so damn proud of the accomplishments your child makes. You know and have empathy for the road that others travel with difficult pregnancies, birth experiences, and issues with your child.

Please visit the March of Dimes to learn more about prematurity and how to help us fight it.

A Week of Hell

2010-11-08T23:04:00.002-06:00

I haven't been able to come up with an adequate post to describe this last week, but I do need to ask for good thoughts please. We could certainly use them as we figure out some things.

Deep Inside In Heart

2010-10-25T22:20:00.000-05:00

This is going to sound completely crass and I'm sure somewhere someone is going to judge me or think I'm a horrible mother. But sometimes, in the deep depth of my heart...it really fucking sucks to have a child who has anxiety. The summer was pretty smooth sailing. Now that school has started, things have heated up for her. And some days it's just almost too much. It can start in the morning with what to wear, what to eat and it starts on the way home from school. Too many choices overwhelm her. Not enough and she gets pissed. Some days it feels like we can never do right by or for her. And some days I feel like a huge fucking failure at being her mom. Did I make her like this? Am I encouraging it in some way? Will life ever be easier for her? To so many they cannot see the inner working of our eldest. They are not witness to the small life struggles she faces. They look at me like I have two heads when I explain she has issues with anxiety at times. They see a funny, creative, and sometimes whiney little girl. We see that too, of course. But because we are her "safe" place, we get to see the fears she carries deep inside her heart. And that is sometimes just too much for my heart.

Blah Blah Blah

2010-10-24T08:56:00.000-05:00

You know it, sing it. Yes, that song by one of the tarts out there right now. (And yes, I will admit to owning that album-it's quite catchy to be honest).

I really try to be a positive, glass half full kind of person. But lately, it's been so difficult to do. And I can't pin it on any one thing. I know work has a huge deal in it as things are quite frankly, very sucky at work. Yes, sucky is the perfect word for it. I have been trying to remain optimistic with the changes that have been ~~forced~~, um I mean made, on myself and my lucky coworkers. However, each day I feel more and more squashed like the disgusting bug that we are viewed the be. I know all the horseshit of "no one can make you feel anyway you don't want to," and I try so hard to remain upbeat. But it's such a challenge some days. Most days right now. And then throw in a job where you have to deal with yucky topics as if that isn't enough to sometimes make my job suck.

Halfing 1 has been off and on with her moods. I hate having to watch what we say for fear that we set her off on some goddamn freakout. It completely sucks. But it's our life. She's had some awesome moments this week, so that helps us get through the less-than-stellar ones. Halfling 2 has been the spawn of satan lately. (And I think I know a couple of people who would probably peg me as satan, so that statement for him qualifies) The kid is four. And he's pooped in his fricking pants 4 times this month. Um, hello? Use the toilet. You know, the thing you've been using for almost two years? And talk about attitude. And stubborn. But it all melts away when he flashes his "special" smile. Thank the stars he's cute, or he'd probably be in more trouble.

There is the always present family drama. Not my immediate family, but the next layer. So and so did this, so and so didn't do that. And several posting it on facebook, hanging it out there for the entire world to see. Really? I am doing my best to avoid becoming involved, but sometimes one gets drawn in or has to stand up for something that truly isn't right.

There are a few other major disappointments that I've had over the last month and they have been difficult for me to swallow. Let's just say fall has not been the best part of the year for me. And because of that, this may be the only time you'll ever hear me say this......Bring on Old Man Winter!

Totally and completely sucking

2010-10-12T21:19:00.001-05:00

at so many things. Life, blogging, work...I could go on and on.

I read something a while back and it struck a chord.

Remember who you wanted to be.

I remember what I had planned. Life is not exactly as I had planned, but it never is. One's struggles make them stronger so many people say. I tell the people that I work with that it's how they deal with their struggles or obstacles that truly defines them as a person.

And yet, there are days when I don't know how to describe myself.

I want(ed) to be a great mom. And I have my moments, however many times I feel like I'm runner-up in the "Worst Mother of the Year" award. I feel like I need to spend more time with my kids, do more things with them, be more patient, etc. But I know I cannot possibly love them anymore than I already do. They are my world. Even if they sometimes allow me to understand why some animals eat their young.

I want(ed) to be an awesome partner for my husband. And yet I feel like I don't give enough time, enough appreciation and of course, enough sex. He is always there for me. Even if I don't want or need him to be. Sometimes he does things that he thinks are a great idea without checking with me and it's off my "plan" and I get frustrated. I speak to him in that frustrated and annoyed tone too often. But at the end of the day, I couldn't imagine going to sleep next to anyone else. He has my heart.

I want to be a better friend. I have been failing miserably at this for a while. Birthday cards are late, IF they even get out. I am horrible at returning emails/phone calls. I went back to work and lost time to focus on those things, even though they matter to me. I need to focus more and improve on the communication.

I want to be an advocate for change. Whether it's my day job or my volunteer work. I feel good knowing I made a difference. And while it's great to have the pat on the back for the job well done, at the end of the day I want to feel good about how I spent my time with that client or project. I think about giving up my volunteer work at times and while I ponder at the free time and freedom of responsibility it would bring, it also causes heartache to not be doing something I love and that matters so much to me.

I want to do a better job at work. I want to respond better to situations. I want to be able to do all 100 things on my To Do list and feel like I got somewhere, even though I know that will never occur. I want to care less about certain clients as I appear to care more about their lives than they do. I want to know I am making a difference in the lives of affected by my clients. I want to talk less at work. To be more focused on accomplishing what I can each day and leaving it for the next, and being okay with that.

I want to be a better person. And by remembering who I wanted to be and combining it with who I want to be tomorrow, I can be. I know it.

Our World

2010-09-14T21:49:00.001-05:00

Perfect example of how A processes certain things with her anxiety. She was reading the tags on a decorative pillow on her bed the other evening. "Keep away from flame. Keep away from face to avoid suffocation." Things like that. She, of course, is worried what will happen if a fire starts in the middle of the night and should the pillow stay in her bed. I cut the other tags off to avoid this, but apparently missed this one. So I tell her I will cut the tag off so it doesn't scratch her, trying to get her mind off the tag warnings. Her question....."What happens if we forget the rules?" And I had to explain and reassure her that mommy has bought lots of pillows before and has read all the rules many times.

sigh. Some moments it just shines out of the blue. She's been doing awesome and whammo, the anxiety flares.

Promise to Myself

2010-09-07T09:54:00.002-05:00

When I began this blog, I did not do it out of because I think I am important or to gain readers or to make money. I did it because writing helps me understand myself. The act of putting my rambling thoughts into language, into language that makes me not only understandable to myself, but to others, is gratifying. I don't just prefer writing on the blog; my friends and family know that I would much rather e-mail than phone. I think better when I write. I enjoy using language that helps me express myself.

But I haven't taken time to allow myself this expression. For a very long time. I've held back or have ignored the need to write. And I've closed myself off in that arena. I want desperately to get back into the groove and use writing & language to share my thoughts and help me figure some issues out. So a promise to myself is being made. I promise myself that I will take time to write, to express, and to enjoy. It is part of who I am and I need to honor that piece rather than stuff it.

Learned Items

2010-09-06T20:40:00.001-05:00

Almost two months ago, we put ourselves majorly in debt with our house. After 40 minutes, 300 signatures, and 100 initials, we were handed two sets of keys and two electric garage door openers.

Here are things I've learned since that time:

*Make sure you have a pizza delivery phone number available. You will use it, especially on those days when you are attempting to create order in your new home.

*Buy a big pack of Toilet Paper, and place next to the toilet. Toilet paper goes quickly at our place. Either that or I bought the small rolls last time.

*Check the batteries in your new smoke detectors. And buy a carbon monoxide detector. It helps for when you are paranoid about the gas fireplace in your family room.

*Take a couple different routes to work, school, or Menards. Then determine which has the shortest time and the least amount of interaction with asshole drivers.

*Make sure when you have your telephone and internet service moved to the new place, that BOTH are moved. Some ding-dong at Frontier decided our DSL could stay at the old place. Duh. It only took us a week to get that figured out.

*Mow your grass on a regular basis. If only to keep your grass-nazi neighbor happy, even if you don't give to shits or have the time to mow your lawn 3 times a week. Yes, he mows that often.

*Be prepared for random drop ins. It could be your parents, friends, or neighbors. It sucks when your new home resembles a tornado stricken area when people stop by.

*Have a toilet plunger for each toilet. Just in case. And learn just how high the water can go in the toilet when it does plug up so you know if you can insert the plunger without putting water over the edge of the bowl or if you need to turn off the water supply.

*Painting will always take longer than you plan. And Frog Tape ROCKS!

There are my top learned items over the last two months. I'm sure there will be a ton more.

Gay protest signs

2010-08-19T19:14:00.000-05:00

A friend shared this with me after we had chuckled over a gay protest sign we saw. Mucho love to my friends who this means a lot to!

Sleep

2010-08-18T21:07:00.000-05:00

I really love sleep. A good sleep that consists of 8+ hours. The only problem is that I cannot recall the most recent 8+ hour stretch I had. Yes, we were camping last week with no kids. However I did not sleep through a single night, whether that was from having to get up to pee or the frequent nighttime storms we had. The key issue at home is the boy child. Who usually gets up at least 1-2, sometimes 3, times a night. To sleep. With. Me.

And sometimes I am too tired to even care and he sleeps with me. Oh my, I am doing the unforgivable aren't I? I'm letting my child sleep in my bed with me. It is what I have to do sometimes to simply get some sleep. But it's getting old.

What is older is the fact that the boy child takes FOREVER to actually fall asleep when he goes to bed. Sometimes it's over two hours we are dealing with him. We are trying to get him back into a routine, but it's been a struggle since he's been such a shit. He can walk over to you sitting next to the doorway, but then says his ankle hurts or his legs are broken and cannot get in bed. This just after he crawled out and walked over. sigh. Not to mention the hubby and I have some differing POV's on things and handle things differently at times. That sure helps a lot. Not.

I'm struggling with what to do. And I need time to get some other things done at night as well as actually catching some Zzzzz's. Any sleep/bedtime tips to share?

August AWEsomenesses

2010-08-17T18:29:00.000-05:00

Camping - okay, well maybe not camping itself, but being child free for several days with little responsibility.
The shower I took when I got home. Nothing like a shower after a camping trip.
iPhone 4. Yep, it arrived yesterday and I'm LOVING it!!
First house payment due. Yes, I am celebrating this. ;)

That's the tops for the month so far. I'm feeling a bit in the dumps today so I figured I'd do a quick AWEsome post.

Stripper Sheep

2010-08-06T15:02:00.000-05:00

Yes, these are poor animals at the local fair this week. And we couldn't help but take a photo. Because. This. Is. Hilarious! Dontcha think? First, we spotted a lovely fella in a glorious purple outfit and then spotted the animal print and it was all over. Here we are at the fair, on the lookout for offenders who shouldn't be there, and we come across these beauties. And let's just say our minds immediately stepped off the curb into the gutter. How could it not? Sheep with leotards? It was the highlight of our night!

My newest drooltastic thing

2010-08-03T22:57:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Disney Dream, Disney Cruise Line's newest ship. And I have the opportunity to sail on this beauty in about 5 months. Talk about saving my pennies!

2010 Promise Walk - Wausau

2010-08-02T20:04:00.001-05:00

I'm about two months behind, but finally sharing some highlights and photos from the Promise Walk for Preeclampsia that was in early June. We about doubled the number of participants and met the goal of $3700 with fantastic support. We had awesome raffle prizes and entertainment again. I had more preeclampsia survivors than I anticipated, which while I'm not excited they had to experience it, I'm happy they joined us.

Here are some photo highlights...

The above photos were taken by my buddy Seth. I have more taken by another friend and will have to add some of those later as they are on the other computer.

ETA: a couple more photos....

Someone fun to read

2010-08-02T18:21:00.000-05:00

If you were not reading Christie over at Baby Tea Leaves before, be sure to check out her new blog Average Moms Wear Capes! She's quite the read and she has a cool giveaway for those who like to run/jog/walk...check it out!

Yes, I am still alive

2010-07-31T08:28:00.000-05:00

Hello blog-land! Life has been a whirlwind, but we are in the new house and frantically (okay, maybe not frantically) trying to unpack. And I have realized this last week that I miss this, I miss writing. For a very, very long time I have. Great, now I am speaking like Yoda. (Not that there is anything wrong with that.)

Anywho, I have lots of ideas that have been bubbling in my brain this last week and I have pledged to myself to take a few minutes each day to write. That may not translate into a daily post, but I'm hoping once I get back into the spirit of things, I will be around much more often and able to visit others.

Much bloggy love to everyone, I miss you!

Panic Spectrum

2010-07-11T08:19:00.000-05:00

Most people that know me IRL are aware that in most instances of my life I am a planner. Yes, one of those Type A planners who has to have almost everything spelled out ahead of time.   If I don't, the panic sets in. At the moment, the panic train has made a stop at our home and I am being whipped around on that sucker.

We close on the house this coming Friday. And because I still have 5-6 days where "something" could happen, I am in slight panic. Not to mention that we have less than two weeks to move and packing, while commenced, still needs some work. We want to paint the kid's rooms this weekend and now I only have a sitter for one day and am on the search for the other. (sigh. It never ends.) We still don't know if we are going to rent a truck to move or not (longer story). I figured buying a house was stressful, but I didn't truly comprehend just how much.

My day job has been spectacular. Not. (wow, haven't used that phrase in forever) I'm trying to finish up a report on an offender for the courts and have it completed tomorrow. Now, I will own the fact that I did some major procrastination with this report and it's totally coming back to bite me in the ass now. Awesome.   The panic for work is coming in with two court hearings in the next week or so. I will have to most likely testify at both, something that I have yet to do. Even more awesomeness. The one is on Friday in the morning and we close on the house in the afternoon, nothing like ruining my day. :)   There are days when I love what I do, but some days are just hard. We deal with difficult and emotional situations. I try not to bring it home, but there are days when I rides home in my back pocket with me and sneaks up when I have a free minute or attempt to fall asleep.

Did I mention that we have packing to do? And guess where my husband is right now. In bed, completely sick and hung over.   I don't care to say much beyond that as I'm trying to not be a negative nelly in this post, but failing miserably it seems.

On the positive.....got to see some terrific fireworks last evening with my kiddos. I made a difficult decision eariler this week and fretted about it, but ultimately said no and did what was best for me. I am trying to reign in the chaos that is our life this summer and this decision was part of that. And best of all, this week we'll have the keys to our house!!!

Time Flies

2010-07-04T08:44:00.000-05:00

It's been over an entire month since I blogged. Wow. Here is a quick synopsis of June...

Promise Walk for Preeclampsia---very successful. Photos & post coming soon.
Busy at the day job.
Getting Disney clients ready to head on vacation in approximately 45 days. Most are during the free dining offer.
Camping. Let's just call that trip a "series of unfortunate events" and leave it at that.
Packing, cleaning, and general stress due to the fact that we are.......

BUYING A HOUSE!!!!!

The week of the walk we looked at a house we had liked online and within days had put an offer in on it. Right now we are set to close on July 16th, barring any issues. And yes, it's me, so there are issues. I'll post on that coming up too.

Hope everyone had a fantastic June.

Brewing

2010-05-31T21:31:00.001-05:00

Something big is brewing....I'm hoping to have a good announcement soon!

Birthdays

2010-05-31T21:29:00.001-05:00

I need to give a big shout out to my kidlets as they BOTH celebrated birthdays this month!!!

Promise Walk for Preeclampsia

2010-05-31T21:25:00.001-05:00

So, you may have noticed that lovely little box in the upper right corner of my blog? No, well, here's the plug for it. I will be hosting the Promise Walk for Preeclampsia again this year and, as always, am asking for your support. I'd love it if you all could attend, but I know that's not possible. (But how cool would that be?) It's looking like a great deal of fun and we've got some AWEsome raffle items for those that could make it.

Here is the short version about why this is important to me: I developed severe preeclampsia (HELLP Syndrome) with my first pregnancy and delivered just over 5 weeks early. Our little guppy Aweighed 4lbs and spent just over two weeks in the hospital. Fast forward 3 years and P was born at 37 weeks after I managed gestational hypertension for 5 weeks, he weighed 5lbs 6oz and came home with us. Here is a quick highlight of our family's moments.

You read here, you know that preeclampsia changed my life. I've shared stories of families who were not as fortunate as us and who lost loved ones. Many of my preeclampsia sisters are fellow bloggers and there is a bond there that is different from any other. We each know what it's like to face down that ugly preeclampsia monster.

So in honor of my babies and all the other preeclampsia babies out there, including those angel babies, please consider donating today by visiting the Promise Walk for Preeclampsia. You can donate to our team or make a general donation. Even $5 helps make a difference.

Love to you all,
Denise

Sometimes words fail me

2010-05-15T00:33:00.001-05:00

My dearest A,

You are such a bright shining star in our lives. We have been through so much with you in your 7 years, and I can only imagine what's in store in the upcoming years.

You are special, unique, and amazing. And there are times that words fail me when I want to describe the very essence of you. Because you truly are that special.

We have "official" news on you. Something that we already pretty much knew, but it helped to have someone with that PhD behind their name confirm it. And much to my relief, no diagnosis of bipolar or related disorder. The doctor told us yesterday these words, "You have a highly intelligent little girl. Who happens to be a perfectionist. And has anxiety."

Like I said, we already knew that. But this gives us direction. Direction on what to do to help you, how to help us while we help you. My major goal as a parent is to assist you and your brother be the best "you" you can be. Quirks and all. Dr. M made the comment that you are too smart for your own good, and that is so true. You are very curious and that sometimes leads you to gain knowledge of something that you fail to fully comprehend and then you become anxious. And it's okay. We're here to help you. You have anxiety. You are often fearful and worried and many times it's about things that we do not understand. I promise to do better when helping you, to listen fully, to console you when you need it, and to encourage you to make mistakes and celebrate your quirks.

I love you, worries and all.

Love mom

Letters to Juliet

2010-05-15T00:17:00.000-05:00

I went to see this film this evening with a friend. It's a complete chick flick (totally predictable of course), but a decent movie nonetheless. It made me think about what I would write to Juliet, and ultimately of romance and love. Yes, chick flicks may be corny and sappy. But I think they also give that *romance* that one craves. Yes, I said craves. I am not an overly sappy person, but viewing this film made me realize how much I want, need, and like to be romanced. I want the door held open for me, notes of appreciation or love left for discovery, to have that hand rest upon my back or neck. Small surprises that demonstrate you are thinking of the one you love.

Being in love is an adventure. I think it wanes and grows as it moves along. You have to nourish it, cherish it, and celebrate it. When life is chaotic and crazy, or let's be honest...if you have children, romance may fail to flourish continuously. At times, you may have to find your way back to one another or measure if that love is actually worth fighting for.

I wish you all love. A love that caresses you and embraces you. A love that manages to traverse the bumpy road of life and when the ride slows down, that love is still there and strong.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. ~Lao Tzu

More items I'd love to have

2010-05-09T21:53:00.000-05:00

Here are a few more drooltastic items that I'd love to have....

Zero balances on our credit cards. Oh boy, this one is getting CLOSE though!

Someday, I'll have my mini-SUV....I'm loving the Toyota Rav 4

And someday, when I get all lean and no sign of baby birthing on my body.....I'd love a side tat like this one.

Quick update

2010-05-09T21:47:00.000-05:00

Ari had her endoscopy w/ biopsy on Friday. It went well, and she did amazingly awesome (meaning, no major anxiety issues in the hours prior and especially at the hospital). There was some redness & irritation in her esophagus as well as a part of her stomach along with a bit in the duodenum. But Dr. said nothing so strongly indicative that day that would say to immediately start her on a gluten free diet. He took some samples and she is being tested for H-pylori, lactose intolerance and something else or two. Now it's just waiting for the results.

choices

2010-05-05T21:34:00.000-05:00

A song struck me today as I was driving home, Breakeven by Script.....

When I'm all choked up and you're okay
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

These were the words that spoke to me. And so I have made some difficult decisions tonight, but have chosen to give up several things that were important to me. All in the name of keeping my family together.

closing in

2010-05-05T21:06:00.000-05:00

We are closing in on the possible celiac issue. We saw the pediatric GI doc today, same one she saw as an infant/toddler for her reflux, and with what her labs looks like she will be undergoing an endoscopy on Friday for him to obtain a biopsy. He's going to do a few more labs apparently then as well. We haven't discussed it with her yet, I don't want her anxiety to build over the next two days.

Any good thoughts you can send her way for Friday would be appreciated.

Drooltastic Things

2010-04-26T14:21:00.004-05:00

I'm going to start something fun and post things that I find myself drooling over. I would love to have them, but the items are either too costly or not really prudent to purchase.

First up....

The Dooney & Bourke bags for Disney.

I'm totally not into couture (did I even spell it right?) things, but I heart me one of these bags.

Item number two:

This is a house for sale near us and I find myself salivating over it. Nowhere near our price range, but drool-worthy.

A Costly Message

2010-04-26T14:01:00.002-05:00

Apparently I need to slow down. (yeah right, like that will happen) I'm breathing, which is awesome, but I have this sharp pain that strikes when I breathe deeply. Last night, my breathing was so shallow I thought I was panting. It started as a stitch in my side, progressed to "Fuck, what the hell is this?" to mild "don't take a huge breath."

But it freaked me out enough to go to the walk in this morning. Cuz, what if I was really having a heart attack or something. I know it was on my right side, but seriously, what if?

After exposing my pretty ladies (aka, my boobies) to a nice male nurse (who made lovely conversation with me) while getting hooked up for an EKG, having a lab tech draw FOUR tubes of my beloved red stuff (while asking me what I do for a living--note, not trying to stereotype but she appeared to be the sort that might just date one of my offenders), and then waiting in the fucking lobby of the radiology department for 12 minutes (while wearing a hospital gown on my top)...it turns out my ticker is okay and there are no blood clots.

The doc thinks the area underneath the left breastie is causing me some issues with the scar tissue from my reduction. 10 years ago. And it's still bothering me? WTF. Or it could be related to stress.

What did I do?

2010-04-18T22:06:00.001-05:00

I'm signed up for a 5K to benefit a local women's shelter for the first Saturday in May. I will NOT be jogging the entire thing. I don't even think I could jog half of it. But I will jog some of it. There is a group of about seven ladies from work who have formed a team. We're a motley group of marathoners and walkers. (obviously I'm in the walker section)

I intended to start walking to get my legs used to a longer distance (you runners, don't laugh at me), but just haven't gotten to it. Exercise is on my list, but always falls short at the end of the day. I really need to change that. So, perhaps I can drag my ass out of bed tomorrow morning early and go for a walk before work. Hmmm...I better get to bed then.

Changing

2010-04-18T21:57:00.002-05:00

I've come to realize many things change over the course of our lifetimes, including ourselves. I'm surprised at how much things can change. My core values & beliefs have only gotten stronger, but there are things about myself that have changed. A few examples...

I used to have patience, much more patience. I would let 2-3 cars go ahead of me in a parking lot or wherever because I wasn't in that big of a hurry to get to my destination. I would be hollering at J for bitching about crazy, asshole drivers. Now, that is me. My son has picked up a few choice phrases from listening to mommy while I drive. That's okay, as long as he yells at the same driver. J/K, I know it's not okay that my son walks around saying "fucking christ," but it does make me laugh. I don't allow him to see me laugh, but it does bring a smile to my inner face while I'm telling him to not say those words. Drivers who are too slow piss me off. Drivers who are over the top aggressive piss me off. Drivers who don't use their blinkers piss me off. Get the point?

For years I have been a minimalist when it comes to my wardrobe. I'm a t-shirt & jeans kind of gal. I hardly ever wear earrings and have been known to not wear much jewelry beyond my pearl on a gold chain. I'm changing that. And I like it. Jewelry has become a fun way of bedazzling myself. It's fun.

I'm more outspoken. I think some of this has to do with a work friend who has no issues sharing her mind, but whatev. I used to never say anything about bad food at a restaurant, bad service, rude people, etc. Now, watch your ass! I am not rude about it, but I have gotten better at speaking my mind. The whole not caring so much about what others think still needs some major work, but I'm getting better.

I'm not sure if it's due to becoming older and wiser, or being more comfortable with myself. Either way, I like it.

Somethings Brewing

2010-04-16T08:11:00.003-05:00

We got back some preliminary tests on Aand now have to see the GI doc as something came back abnormal on her celiac panel. She has a few minor food allergies, but it doesn't sound like they are anything serious we have to worry about her eating. She will be having neuro-psych testing done next week too.

Somethings brewing, I can feel it. I just don't know what. And honestly, it feels scary and overwhelming not knowing what the near future holds for her, and us.

Easter Bunny

2010-04-04T07:47:00.005-05:00

Even though the "Easter Bunny" comes to our home and gives the kidlets baskets of fun and yummy goodies, let me just say this....I hate that fucker.

On the surface he looks cute, perhaps? To me, those hollow eyes and maniacal grin are the stuff from my nightmares when I was younger.

How about two of the giant guys? (Seriously freaking myself out right now.)

I used to have a reoccurring nightmare that a giant Easter Bunny kidnapped me from my mom and grandma. Yes, this is a true story...I can't make this up. The bunny would race along downtown with me under his arm, I can remember seeing steps leading to tall building as we raced by. And no one did anything despite my screams. Soon, we were in an area with houses again and he broke into a house and put my on the stove to cook me. Just sat my ass right on the burner and lit it up. I was screaming the entire time. Then as he is rubbing his hands together in anticipation, the people who lived in the home came into the kitchen and the man had a shotgun. As the gun would fire, I would wake up.

Yep, that was my childhood nightmare. It was the same every time I had it, every time. And it scared the crap out of me. The last time I recall having this nightmare was in high school, thankfully. And now today, the Easter Bunny at the mall...well, I can't look him in the eye without a shiver. And even though he brings my kids goodies, I vomit in my mouth a bit at the thought of the Easter Bunny in my home.

And in my search to find Easter Bunny photo goodness, I came across this pic. It's not for the faint of heart, and I apologize if you dream of the rabbit tonight. This is the Easter bunny that should give everyone nightmares...

March gratitude

2010-04-03T07:38:00.003-06:00

I missed most of my Tuesday gratitudes in March, so I'm going to just put a bunch together....

**I am so thankful I have a job. Yes, that job is demanding at times, involves highly emotional situations, and at times feels like I babysit for an awesome fee....but I have a fantastic job that I enjoy doing, work with people I like, and get to experience new things almost daily.

**My kids imaginations. What more can be said. They have AWESOME imaginations, and I love it.

**My husband. Nuff said.

**Enjoying the last Tues of March with my hubby, we both had off and enjoyed each other's company (most of the time). He got some new clothes for work, we picked up a movie.

**Deadliest Catch. I lurve that show very much. And I have a slight crush on Edgar.

**My health. While I may not be in 100% top shape, I am overall in decent health. I'm working on some improvements, but everything functions so I can't complain.

Doctors, Surgeons, and Labs...Oh My!

2010-04-03T07:24:00.002-06:00

We've got several things going on with both kids right now.

First up is Ari. She had some lab work yesterday to test for celiac disorder and a RAST food allergy panel. (Let me tell you, having labs drawn on a child who is anxious is sooo much fun) Her pedi wanted to make sure there isn't some allergy causing Ari's behavior issues. We've also been referred to a local center where Ari will see a behavioral pediatrician. Not sure what that entails, but we can't get in to see her until June. She will also see a doctor for neuro-psych testing to see if she has some disorder. I feel pretty strongly she has some sensory processing disorder, but we will see. I had to complete a large packet of information this week and will get scheduled for that doctor soon.

Phoenix has been a handful lately himself. Not sure if it's the weather or what, but he's been ramped up with activity. He's been sent to the office at daycare twice in the last month or so. Aye. His night terrors also seem to be occurring more often and he had one last week that had to be the worst yet. Thankfully they don't last too long before he can settle down. Biggest news on him is his belly. He's been complaining for a while that his belly hurts. We chalked it up to he ate too much, etc. However, one night he said his belly button hurt. We took a look and boy that thing was poking out like I've never seen it do before, and his pokes out a bit. We took him into the pedi and she could feel the whole where the hernia is yet. He's had it since birth, but with it hurting him we were referred to the surgeon. We got to see the surgeon on Thursday and Phoenix will be having surgery to fix it this coming Friday.

I feel strongly that a drink a day will help me get through life right now. ;-) At some point I think I may start rocking back and forth while my tongue hangs out and I drool excessively. No one ever tells you how hard parenting is, or at least you don't believe them when they tell you prior to having children. You go into your baby-phase dreaming and expecting the perfect pregnancy and birth, great babies who sleep through the night early, are never sick, etc. Those expectations flew out the window for me a long time ago (almost 7 years to be exact), but the tribulations of raising a child still sneak up on me.